Sunder: "Get your FUCK CHUCK t-shirts here, today only! Say it loud and proud, just like me: FUCK CHUCK."

Mr. Wiggles: "Where's Tyrant?"

Hannibal: "Don't worry, brother. He called, said he's stuck in traffic. He's not gonna make it here tonight."

Mr. Wiggles: "Oh.. thank god!"

Jim Biggins: "Hello fans, welcome to Monday Night Massacre! First off, I want to assure you EFW President Nightmare has shut down Quinten Sunder's obscene merchandise operation. Unfortunately he managed to sell quite a few of those shirts before he was noticed."

Buck Hammerstien: "Chuck Steak's going to be pissed when he finds out."

JB: "No question about that, Buck. Qualifying matchups for Chance of a Lifetime 5 continue this week, but we'd be remiss if we didn't mention the HUGE upset that took place in Kansas City two weeks ago."

BH: "HAHA, YES!"

JB: "Longtime HWO member and former two-time EFW world heavyweight champion Tyrant LOST his qualifying match against the debuting Jim Freedom! This obviously sends shockwaves through the entire league as Tyrant would have easily been one of the favorites had he made it to the PPV. He's won the event once already, eliminating Vermin in impressive fashion, and has two world titles on his mantle."

BH: "Yeah. TOO BAD HE LOST! HAHAHA, I love it! Eat that, HWO!"

JB: "I should have known this was why you showed up in a good mood tonight, Buck. Speaking of the HWO, let's send you over to ring announcer Larry Wunarme for our opening contest!"

Tyrant: "Okay, Jim Freedom. Redneck boy. You had your moment in the spotlight. You've had your laughs. Everybody in here knows you wouldn't have even come close to beating me if this stupid mother fucking clown hadn't helped you. YOU HEAR ME CLOWN!?"

Tyrant: "YOU EVER FUCK MY SHIT UP LIKE THAT AGAIN AND THEY'LL BE FISHING YOUR DEAD ASS OUT OF THE RIVER!!"

Tyrant: "Now, here's what we're gonna do. You're gonna find yourself a partner on that fucking homo team of yours. You're gonna face me and this stupid clown in a tag team match. The team that wins gets in, the team that loses is OUT. I ain't asking you, boy, I'm TELLING you - next Massacre, this is how it's going down."

Tyrant: "And you better realize I didn't do this for you. The only reason I made you my partner is because if you fuck me over out there, I want you within arms reach so I can tear off your fucking head and stick it up your FAT CLOWN ASS!"

BH: "WHAT!? No, Freedom, DO NOT agree to this! Please, I'm begging you!"

JB: "Possibly a blockbuster match for next Massacre, if - and that's a big IF - Jim Freedom and the Justice League agree to it!"

JB: "Z-Force continues his winning ways here in EFW! This husband-and-wife pair is the second such pair to advance to the second round of the tag team tournament, following Jack and Karen Furlong! EFW is really becoming a family affair, eh, Buck?"

BH: "Anybody who would bring their kid to an EFW event is mentally retarded."

JB: "Buck, what the hell?! Wait.. fans, I'm told we've got Jimmy Hollywood in the back with an answer from Jim Freedom! Jimmy?"

Jimmy Hollywood: "Fans, I'm---"

Jim Freedom: "YOU'RE ON!! YEAH! You've got it! You think me beating you was a FLUKE?! This great country already defeated the indians once and by God I'll do it AGAIN!"

Jim Freedom: "You and that sick clown had better be ready, cause I'm bringing with me one of the greatest athletes of one of the greatest television shows ever - MY PARTNER IS AN AMERICAN GLADIATOR!! We are generals - AND YOU ARE THE ENEMY!!"

Jim Freedom: "No force ON EARTH can stop the red, white and blue from RUNNING RIGHT OVER YOU!!"

Jimmy Hollywood: "What's going on here?"

Jackson: "Oh, hey Jimmy. Nobody invited you to this little party, but hell, while you're here.. I'm just sharing something with my new friend."

Boy: "Oh wow... look at THOSE..."

Jackson: "Oh yeah, that's a nice pair, ain't it?"

Jimmy Hollywood: "What are you showing him?"

Jackson: "I already told you nobody invited you, Jimmy. This is a private party. Now screw."

JB: "I don't know what's going on back there, but I think you guys ought to get some security over there pronto. I don't trust that Jackson."

BH : "Ah, who gives a damn about THAT!? Did you hear that idiot Freedom? He just basically opened the door and LET the HWO back in Chance of a Lifetime! Oh God, my life is SHIT...."

JB : "Jesus, Buck, get a hold of yourself! In any event.. fans, our next matchup features the team of Alexander Atlas and Titan Tower - known as The Phalanx - going against a team known only as 'The Lost Vikings'. We don't know who these guys are, in fact we hadn't even been able to get an answer from the EFW President's office until this morning. Apparently, they wanted to be kept anonymous until the details of their special deal could be worked out with the office.. that deal was finalized and signed this morning. We're about to find out who they are!"

JB: "Incredible! Not only were 'The Lost Vikings' really James Bain, Bo Abobo and Weehawk, but they just eliminated Potterdam's other team from the tournament! And to make it worse, the WAY it was done has got to gall Potterdam to the core. I can't believe that in this day and age a referee would fall for such a stupid and obvious trick."

BH: "Oh come on, Jim, our referees need help mixing instant coffee. And Stu's not from this day and age, anyway. I think he helped discover fire."

JB: "Show some respect, Buck! Good lord. Let's check in with Jimmy Hollywood. Jimmy?"

Nightmare: "Look, you know as well as I do that the referee's decision is FINAL. There's nothing I can do to change it!"

Potterdam: "But you COULD order a rematch! Or fine or suspend them! You could do SOMETHING instead of always playing favorites with your old buddies!"

Nightmare: "Potterdam.. I've had enough of this. I'm not going to do ANYTHING. It's not my fault the referee made that call and neither is it theirs. If you want your team to win, tell them to pin Bain next time so he CAN'T do what he did. If they were half the atheletes they claim to be they wouldn't have to worry about stupid tricks. Now, if you'll excuse me.."

Potterdam: "If they were--!? What!? I am ---"

Nightmare: "EXCUSE. ME."

Hollywood: "Fans, I'm standing here with Nightmare. Mr. President, what can you tell us about the Sons of Destiny and their 'special deal'?"

Nightmare: "It's pretty simple, Jimmy. I felt they got a raw deal with this whole naming and trademark thing, so when they came to me with the idea of having a three-man team to challenge for the tag titles, I was more than willing to accommodate them."

Hollywood: "A three-man team?"

Nightmare: "Yes. Basically, any two of the three can wrestle in any match the team is booked in, includng tournament matches and even title defenses should they win the titles."

Hollywood: "Thank you, Mr. President!"

Nightmare: "My pleasure, Jimmy."

Hollywood: "There you have it, fa----"

Furlong: "Where the fuck is my son!?"

Karen: "JACK!! Where are you, honey?"

Furlong: "JACKSON, you fuckwit!! Where did you find Jackson?!"

JB: "I'm not sure what's going on, but somebody needs to get this crap under control!"

BH: "Like I said, anyone who brings their kid to an EFW event is retarded."

JB: "You just called Jack Furlong retarded on national television. You do realize that, right?"

BH: ".... oh shit.."

JB: "Just remember, Buck, you brought it on yourself when it happens. Fans, we've got the first match of the No Limits Cup coming up next!"

JB: "Christ, not again! Stu, what the hell, man?"

BH: "Don't confuse him like that, Jim. He probably knew Christ."

JB: "A great debut for Six-String Samurai is ruined by Condo. And if you blaspheme like that again, Buck, I'm going to pop you."

JB: "What the hell is this, now?"

BH: "I don't know. Don't recognize the guy, and he's definitely not scheduled in the next match."

Man: "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, you are now looking at the future of EFW - nay, the future of professional wrestling itself. You're looking at the king of bling, the duke of juke, the jester from Westchester, the -- well, I'd call myself the Ayatollah of Rock & Rollah, but that's the other guy -- Mark Bowen, ladies and gentlemen!"

Mark Bowen: "Save your applause, please. Ladies and gentlemen, EFW's press conference a few weeks ago was a thing of beauty. You really had to be there to appreciate everything that happened, but there was one thing that everybody, from the smallest child to the oldest living man, could understand. At that press conference, an EFW legend made his surprise return, shocking everyone around the world. Indeed, I was awestruck by his mere appearence. Then, at last Massacre, he retured to in-ring action, handily beating some ham & egger and restoring himself to the EFW's throne of legendary performers. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to bring out this man now. Please help me welcome, the man, the myth, the legend............................. JACK DOD, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!! Give him a big hand!!"

JB: "Oh, this is a complete farce. This Bowen guy is as much a jackass as Jack Dod himself. We all know it was Vermin who is the real legend that returned at the press conference!"

BH: "Thank you, Captain Obvious."

JB: "And thank you, Captain Balding."

BH: "Hey!"

Bowen: "Sir, you are truly one of the greats. It's an honor for me to be standing in the ring with you at all."

Jack Dod: "I know. I know. Don't slobber on my shirt, though."

Bowen: "EFW fans have been waiting for this moment for years. Tell me, what was it like to come back under such suprising circumstances?"

Bowen: "Bobby Heenan was right about you people!"

Dod: "Well, to be truthfull, it was a bit frustrating. We had some.. other.. LESSER stars who also made their comeback at the press conference. It almost ruined the surprise of my own return."

Bowen: "The bastards."

Dod: "Yes, indeed. Fortunately, though, those guys were SUCH losers that nobody even noticed them. They were completely and totally lost in my shadow."

Bowen: "And what a huge shadow it is."

Dod: "Yes, it is, isn't it? I'm the biggest name in EFW, so of course I cast the biggest shadow. I mean, look now.. it's covering the whole ring.."

Bowen: "Well what do you know? It is!"

Vermin: "I must admit, I am a bit surprised at you, Dod. You know what is coming in a moment, and yet you stand here apparently unafraid. I will give you full marks for courage and deliver an appropriate eulogy at your funeral."

Dod: "Ha, yes. Funeral. That's a good one."

Vermin: "What is it, Dod? Ego? Is that what keeps you standing here when death awaits you?"

Dod: "That's where you misunderstand me, big man. I've been watching the old tapes of MFWL and EFW during the layoff.. not to mention, I've been busy in some other promotions, some you surely remember..."

Dod: "Everybody's always called you the man with no weaknesses. The untouchable guy, unshakeable, whatever. They say you have no weakness? I call bullshit on that. Everybody has a weakness, buddy, and that includes you."

Vermin: "Truly? Jack Dod, genetically once removed from a maggot, had discerned my weakness where his betters have not? Enlighten me, Dod. Please. This will be amusing."

Dod: "Not as amusing as you think. Your weakness is the same thing you accuse me of: ego."

Dod: "That's right. Ego. I knew I could get you to come out here alone by saying that stuff because you just KNOW there's no way poor little Jack Dod can possibly hurt you. You're just as convinced as everyone else is that you're invincible and that nobody can hurt you. Well, you're supposed to be the strategist, big man, so you tell me: why would a guy like me stand here in front of you, knowing what you're capable of, and not run away? Tell me."

Dod: "That's right: because I have a plan."

Dod: "Thus the myth of Vermin dies - but the legend of Jack Dod is only just beginning!"

JB: "What the hell!? Has Jack Dod completely lost his mind? Somebody get some security out here!"

BH: "I think he proved his point, Jim! Vermin's ego burned him on this and Dod and Jackson made him look like a fool!"

JB: "First Furlong, now Vermin! You're asking for it, Buck! And I can tell you Jack Dod's going to wish he was somewhere else when Vermin catches up to him! And Jackson's got both the Furlongs AND Vermin after him, that guy must have a death wish! He's stupid!"

BH: "Yeah... stupid LIKE A FOX!"

JB: "Oh, shut up, Buck!"

Hollywood: "Jane Dod, what are---"

Jane Dod: "Hold it, hold it -- is that Paris Hilton singing that I hear?"

Hollywood: "Uh..."

Jane Dod: "That bitch is going out there to PARIS HILTON SINGING? OOOOOOOOHH SHITFUCK FUCKING.. FUCKER!! Get the fuck out of my way!"

JB "Jane Dod was on fire in there, but give credit to Barbie, she really made this a match."

BH "Jane Dod scares me, Jim. Can you imagine what she's like in bed? It'd be like porking a bag of ice. A bag of ice that'll break your arms."

JB ".... I just want to let everyone know right now that Buck's comments tonight about virutally everything do NOT reflect my views or those of any other EFW crew member, so please leave us out of it when you make him eat his words."

BH "Oh, sure, thanks a lot! As if my life isn't bad enough! Like YOU'VE never thought about it!"

JB "Actually, I haven't, Buck. I'm a married man, and I'm not getting my head twisted off by Vermin or my wife or anyone else because of your mouth. Fans... hang on.... okay, something's going on backstage, Arthur 'Two Sheds' Jackson is on the scene. Arthur?"

Nightmare: "We found him downstairs near the boiler. He had this."

Furlong: "What the fuck is this? Where's Jackson?"

Jackson: "That's my property and I'd like it back, please."

Furlong: "Mother FUCKER!! You go near my son again I'll cut your FUCKING HEART OUT!!"

Nightmare: "Take him to his locker room and keep him there until his match."

Boy: "MOM!"

Nightmare: "You.. sorry son of a bitch!"

JB: "Nightmare said it right: Jake Jackson is one sorry son of a bitch. It's one thing to try to play mind games with an opponent, but when you drag their kids into it, you're going over the line. And he just hit a defenseless woman!"

BH: "We don't agree very much, Jim, but on this you're 100% right. I've seen some real pukes in my time but this guy might take the cake."

JB: "Worse than Hannibal?"

BH: "... possibly."

JB: "You fans know that coming from Buck Hammerstien, those words speak volumes. In any event, fans, we've got more in-ring action for you coming up right now in the form of two debuts: firstly, Mike Swanson's protege, the Machine, and secondly a rather unusual competitor named Star Savior. Both are masked men and both are getting their first taste of EFW action against each other tonight."

BH: "Oh, Savior's not a man, Jim. He's FROM BEYOND THE STARS!!"

JB: "I'm picking up your sarcasm, Buck."

BH: "I sure hope so."

JB: "Wow! INCREDIBLE matchup! Great action from these two guys. And a little show of sportsmanship never hurts."

BH: "R-O-H! R-O-H! R-O-H!"

JB: "Oh shut up, Buck. I've been told the Furlongs are up next. Their son is inside Nightmare's office with the President to ensure nothing dirty happens during the next two matches. Jackson is locked somewhere in the building until it's time for his match."

JB: "Another tough match there, but despite the problems of the evening, Karen Furlong is advancing to the second round of the tournament. Tough break for Whisper."

BH: "Hmm..."

JB: "What is it?"

BH: "er... nothing, I'm probably wrong."

JB: "Uh.. alright. In any event, folks, our main event is up next!"

JB: "Holy God, send some medical help out here NOW!"

JB: "Jack Furlong still has not moved, fans, we'll keep you updated on his condition as much as we can.. we're out of time, this is Jim Biggins for the entire EFW crew saying good night from Milwaukee."