Chuck Steak: "Hey, where's Quinten Sunder?"

Stagehand: "I don't know, sir. He grabbed a camera crew and left earlier."

Santa: "HO, HO, HO!! Merry Christmas everybody!"

Nightmare: "I'm glad you could make it, Santa."

Santa: "Oh, Santa wouldn't miss this chance for the WORLD! HO, HO, HO!!"

Jim Biggins: "Welcome to Christmas Eve Massacre! I'm Jim Biggins, as always here with my broadcast partner Buck Hammerstien."

Buck Hammerstien: "Hello everyone!"

JB: "You seem especially cheerfull tonight, Buck. What's the occasion? Other than the birth of Christ, that is?"

BH: "Well, that's just it, Jim. It's Christmas! Everyone should try hard to be nice. Even me."

JB: "I'm glad to hear that, Buck!"

BH: "Plus Nightmare just told me this morning that my salary is going to be based on my approval ratings! So HAPPY HOLIDAYS, everyone!"

JB: ".... fans, let's waste no more time and get you down to ringside for our first match."

JB: "And just like that, Alexander Atlas earns his spot in Chance of a Lifetime!"

BH: "I'm happy for him!"

JB: "What? Buck, yo--... hold on, fans, I'm being told Jack Dod has just arrived at the arena!"

JB: "Oh what the HELL is this!?"

BH: "Oh no! Jack Dod is hurt!"

JB: "He's not hurt at all!"

Nightmare: "Hold it, hold it, don't even try it, Dod."

Jack Dod: "What are you talking about?"

Nightmare: "If you think I'm stupid enough to fall for this you're out of your mind."

Jack Dod: "..... are you insinuating that I'm FAKING this injury?"

Nightmare: "No. I'm telling you right to your FACE you're faking it."

Jack Dod: "How dare you! I've never told a lie in my life!"

Nightmare: "I don't give a damn if you're hurt, you're wrestling tonight."

Jack Dod: "First of all, I recieved a call just as I pulled in from Jake Jackson. It seems his flight was mysteriously delayed and he's not going to be able to make it tonight."

Nightmare: "Hmm, yes. Very 'mysterious'."

Nightmare: "I can't believe this. By order of LCC, you're excused from the contract?"

Jack Dod: "See? Would they do that if this were fake?"

Nightmare: "You're not getting away with this, Dod. You ARE going to face Vermin and Jack Furlong sooner or later."

Jack Dod: "First you call me a liar, then a coward? If I could stand up straight I'd slap you good. Listen, those two are lucky this injury occored at such a perfect time. It saves them the pain of being crushed by my hands this week, but it's not going to save them next week. Ronnie?"

Jack Dod: "After I got hurt, I huddled up with my lawyers and we got this contract for next Massacre already drawn up. Jackson and Dod vs Vermin and Furlong. And to prove to all you haters out there that I'm not faking, I've even decided to sweeten the pot. Chance of a Lifetime spots are on the line! The winners of the match get to go in, the losers are OUT."

Nightmare: (Narrows his eyes at Jack) "That's awfully noble of you, Jack."

Jack Dod: "I know."

Nightmare: "And completely out of character I might add."

Sunder: "Alright. We're standing here outside the local Chuck Steak's All-American Beef House, which I hear is the worst fucking restraunt in the history of food. I've personally killed six rats since we got here and I'm pretty sure we got pictures of them smuggling a donkey into the kitchen. We're going to go inside now and get the truth about what's going on in this place."

Employee: "Excuse me, sir, this is a family establishment. You can't come in here wearing that shirt."

Sunder: "I'm with the press, lady, you can't censor me. I'm here to expose this rotten franchise to the world."

Employee: "What?"

Sunder: "You heard me. Chuck Steak is an asshole and his restraunts are terrible. I'm going to show the world. Now find me a table."

Employee: "Er...."

Sunder: "Something spacious, too. Don't cram me in with a bunch of fat Kansas rednecks."

Employee: "This is Kentucky, sir. Not Kansas."

Sunder: "Who fucking cares."

ATLAS: "HAVE YOU NO HONOR?? After being tricked by that spineless worm, Bain you should be out there right now challenging him to a match!"

TOWER: "I... COUGH... have no idea... ACK... what you're talking about! I, the Eight Wonder of the World, easily bested that gnat!"

ATLAS: "ARE YOU MAD?? We lost the match because of a disqualification!"

TOWER: "Don't be absurd! I, Titan Tower, completely dominated my miniscule opposition in grandiose fashion! Be serious! He barely reached my kneecap!"

ATLAS: "By the Gods... you are completely delusional... listen here, you mindless oaf... you are going to go out there and challenge Bain to a match and regain our honor, or I will drag you out there myself and publicly execute you in front of the crowd, Potterdam, and Zeus himself!"

TOWER: "URK... very... HACK... well! I, Titan Tower, have no concerns with humiliating that mouse of a man again, if it means that much to you, my friend."

ATLAS: "WE ARE NOT FRIENDS!"

TOWER: "Ho ho ho! You are ever the jester, my friend! Fine! I, the Eighth Wonder of the World, will go to the arena and publicly challenge this... 'James Bain' to a contest of strength! Heh heh... though it is laughable to suggest that such an INFERIOR specimen such as he could ever hope to compete with a REAL man such as myself, Titan Tower! TO THE GLADIATOR PITS!"

ATLAS: "Hate him... HATE... HIM!"

Santa: "HO, HO, HO!! What have we here? The hWo! What are you guys up to?"

Hannibal: "Oh, hey Santa. We're just having a water cooler discussion. You know.. standing around the water cooler."

Santa: "Why?"

Hannibal: ".... I dunno. Seemed like a good idea a few minutes ago. I heard it was fun, but.. it kinda sucks."

Santa: "HO, HO, HO! Well, maybe this will cheer you up!"

Hannibal: "Oh, wow! You DID get my letter!"

Santa: "HO, HO, HO! Of course! You better hold on to that, because you may not get another chance to hold one! HO, HO, HO!!"

Hannibal: "Thanks, Santa! You're a real pal!"

Hannibal: "Oh, yeah: if you see that Frosty the Snowman, tell that bet welching mother fucker he's on my list!"

JB: "Fans, I want to apologize for the audio problems we had with our last two matches. It seems the Dutch national yodeling team found its way to the arena and were yodeling things that weren't fit to be broadcast."

BH: "It was like caroling.. only on Cinemax!"

JB: "I've never heard someone insult your mother in the form of a yodel before, Buck. It was a new experience for me."

BH: "Yeah.. me either."

JB : "The President has told us he is investigating all leads.. most of which begin with the letter 'H'.. and will take appropriate action. I'm happy to report they've all been thrown out of the arena now and we can bring you unedited coverage from here on out! I must say I was extremely impressed by both Mike Swanson and Jason Murdoch, they put on a hell of a show tonight. It's sad only one of them could win. For those of you who may be wondering why Johnny Bane's impressive debut was done without the presence of his manager, Maxwell Potterdam, take a look at this piece of footage that was captured during the match."

Potterdam: "Alexander, please understand, this man is your PARTNER.."

Santa: "Ho, Ho, HO! Well, if it isn't Alexander Atlas and Maxwell Potterdam! Both of you have been very naughty this year!"

Atlas: "Who is this cretin?"

Santa: "That's no way to talk to jolly ol' Santa, is it? Anyway, even though you don't deserve it, Santa's got some gifts for both of you."

Potterdam: "What the hell is this?"

Santa: "That's a year's supply of Viagra. Don't use it all, though, cause you're going to need it to wake Atlas up the next time Idol finds him. Just pop one in his mouth and he'll stand right up! HO, HO, HO!!"

Potterdam: "Wait, Alexander. Don't.. there's something familiar about him..."

JB: "Too bad for Mercury. I have to say I'm impressed by this Van Horn. He's the real deal."

BH: "He said he's never been in a match in which he didn't injure an opponent, and the streak continues. "

JB: "Yes, unfortunately. Savage and Stillman are out here now helping Mercury to the back. Let's hope it isn't serious."

JB: "Oh no, what's this jackass up to now?"

BH: "Merry Christmas, Mark!"

JB: "He better hope Vermin doesn't come down here or he'll be spending it in traction!"

Bowen: "Ladies and gentlemen, I, Mark Bowen, have been unjustly accused. It has been insinuated - nay, spoken aloud in some circles - that I had something to do with the setup that occored last week between Jack Dod, Jake Jackson and Vermin."

Bowen: "I am here tonight to assure you those accusations are completely, totally, 100% false! I had no prior knowledge that Dod and Jackson were going to do what they did. I just wanted to conduct an interview, that's all!"

Bowen: "Have you people no souls?"

Bowen: "Anyway, to prove to you I'm only trying to make this show better, I'm going to bring out a special guest this evening. She's advanced in the tag team tournament and is looking to advance in the Angel's title tournament.. please welcome, an angel in her own right - and in my heart - SARAH JACKSON! Give it up!"

Bowen: "Miss Jackson, I must say it is a pleasure."

Jackson: "Thank you."

Bowen: "Tonight, I want to talk a little about the women's divison here in EFW. You're got Mornewen in the first round of the tournament, and that's bound to be a tough match. She is quick, agile and technically sound."

Jackson: "Yes, I've been studying her. She doesn't have anywhere near the experience I do, but her natural gifts and her training make her a formidable opponent."

Bowen: "An opponent you'd respect?"

Jackson: "Hmm.. I would say so. She seems honorable."

Bowen: "Unlike some of your potential opponents. Take Mylandah Walder, for example. I believe you had some words for her on last week's Aftermath, didn't you?"

Jackson: "Well, I did, but.."

Bowen: "She's the opposite of Mornewen. Wild, strong, uncontrollable. Completely without discipline, tact, or honor."

Jackson: "I wouldn't go that far."

Bowen: "No need to be humble, Miss Jackson. Remember, Mylandah entered Chance of a Lifetime instead of the Angel's Title Tournament because she has publicly stated other female competitors are 'beneath her'. That includes you, of course. In fact, she never even responded to your comments, that's how far beneath notice she considers you. Do you have a response for that?"

Jackson: "She did? I would tell anyone who thinks I'm beaneath them, male OR female, to face me in the ring before they make that kind of statement. You'll find out how wrong you are."

Bowen: "Yes, you are correct. She's arrogant on top of everything else. Once source told me all of it might be understandable if she were smart or sexy, but she's not. I've heard most feel she looks more like a man than a lot of the guys in the locker room."

Bowen: "Hey, now -- let's not get violent, here, ladies. Mylandah wants to give her response, she's due equal time, but let's keep it clean."

JB "Wow, a great match there between four of our newest stars!"

BH "I think Machine and Rocket took the ladies a little too lightly early on there and it cost them."

JB "Machine maybe, but Rocket.. he looked scared of Mon and, I could be wrong, but I think he was holding back against Whisper."

BH "I don't see why. Just slug her and grab a beer, that's my motto."

JB: "BUCK!"

BH: "er, I mean Merry Christmas everybody!"

Sunder: "This is the worst steak I've ever had!"

Waitress: "But you haven't even tasted it yet!"

Sunder: "I don't have to, it SMELLS like the worst steak I've ever had. I wouldn't tack this thing to the bottom of a shoe, let alone eat it. And what the hell is this thing?"

Sunder: "That's it. I want to see the manager. I'm going to call the health board, this garbage isn't fit for human consumption."

Sunder: "Okay, where are you hiding the mule?"

Manager: "Sir, what mule?!"

Sunder: "The one you carved that steak off of. I know mule meat when I smell it. So where is he? Here, mule! Here Mr. Ed!"

JB: "This battle between Chuck Steak and Quinten Sunder has gotten personal now!"

BH: "I wish they were both here so I could tell them Merry Christmas!"

Man: "This is the truth of it. Wrestling is a violent sport. As much as we try to contain the carnage, for some men, it just won't stand. And sooner or later, it comes out. If it comes out against the unprepared, it could be the end of everything. In the past, we were suspended, fined, thrown off TV for it. But we've learned. Now, when we've got men who won't let the sport stay a sport, when we've got men who just want to fight, they fight here."

Man: "Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls... Perdition time's here!"

Man: "Round and round and round she goes... "

Man: "You're in for a treat tonight, gentlemen.. you've just found yourselves locked in the most gruesome of the gruesome, the deadliest match in EFW - the ROYAL DEATH BONANZA! Two we have, but eight we need for this bonanza - so killers, stake your claim!"

Dangerous Dan: "You can't have no death match without the most dangerous man alive! You bunch of pussies got no chance, I'm gonna kick ass your stinkin' asses!!"

JB: "That was crazy! I never would have picked Condo going in. Al Jackson and Bo Abobo are being helped to the back by their teammates right now.. wow, I never thought I'd see the day I was saying Bo Abobo was being helped out of the ring."

BH: "I never would have picked Patrick Potterdam to have more KO's in a match than Bo Abobo."

JB: "Well said, Buck."

JB: "Oh great. Now we get to listen to this blowhard. As if Bowen wasn't more than enough for one night."

BH: "Merry Christmas, Max!"

JB: "Is this going to be some kind of challenge to Bain?"

POTTERDAM: "Ladies and gentlemen... and all you EFW fans as well!"

POTTERDAM: "Allow me the honor of presenting to you the LARGEST MAN IN HISTORY! He is the Eighth Wonder of the World... TITANNNNN.... TOOOOWERRRRR!!"

TOWER: "Alas, it appears as if my humbling of the speck of uninterest, Bain, last week has led to a fit of jealousy on his part. He is actually going about telling people that he WON in our tag match last week! The pathetic mote of a child is even suggesting he... ho ho ho... OUTSMARTED me, Titan Tower! Ridiculous! I mean, let's look at the facts: I, Titan Tower, am an ADONIS! I make even the tallest of EFW pugilists look like ordinary men! And then you observe this tiny, dwarven, pathetic little worm of a child, Bain, who is barely tall enough to lace my boots... who is going to believe such an absurd claim?? However, for the sake of my comrades who feel, even though Bain is as unimportant as the fellows that hold the curtain open for me, that I have somehow been 'dishonored', I am out here to give James Bain the opportunity to defend his accusations and face me, the greatest athlete in EFW history... nay, the greatest athlete IN THE WORLD... in combat! I shall give him until a count of ten to come out here, and shoudl he not be in this ring by then, his cowardly assertions will be proven for the tripe they actually are and I, Titan Tower, will once again be proven to be the better man!"

JB: "Uh-oh. This could get ugly."

BH: "Merry Christmas, Bain!"

JB: "I hope security has things locked up tight in the back!"

Bain: "I didn't outsmart you? Okay. See if you can keep up, Tower. Heisenberg's uncertainty principle gives a lower bound on the product of the standard deviations of position and momentum for a system, indicating that it is impossible to have a particle that has an arbitrarily well-defined position and momentum simultaneously."

Bain: "No go on Heisenberg? Okay, we'll start with something easier. How about the observer effect? The observer effect states that the act of observing a phenomena applies energy to that phenomena that changes it, making it impossible for anyone to measure the phenomena in its 'normal' state. For example, it's impossible for anyone to accurately measure just how stupid your behavior is because of how much more stupid it becomes when it's done in public."

Bain: "Shut up, Max. I did outsmart you, Titan, but I take no pride in that because Gangrene's dog is smarter than you are. Adonis? Really? Can you do this?"

Bain: "I think not. Tower, you are what I like to call a WannaBain. You claim to be everything I am while not actually possessing a fraction of my natural ability. You want a match with me? Fine. I could use a workout. Next Massacre, it'll be James William Bain versus Titan Tower."

JB: "HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS! HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS!"

BH: "Right down Santa Claus lane!"

JB: "OH SHUT UP, BUCK!!"

JB: "THE DANGER ZONE!! My god, that's THE DANGER ZONE!!"

BH: "OH MY GOD!"

JB: "It's NOMAD! Nomad is back!!"

JB: "My god, fans, it's total chaos here.. we've got people running everywhere, Buck you better grab your gas mask in case they have to bring in the riot police again."

BH: "MMmmhmmm mphgs mmph!"

JB: "I can see you've already got yours on. Nomad is back - is he back for good? What does this mean? It throws the whole Chance of a Lifetime picture into chaos! I... fans, we've got to go to break, we'll try to get this huge mess sorted out!"

JB: "Welcome back, fans. During the commercial we managed to get everything out here cleaned up and find seats for all the fans who were dislocated by the brawl. The Pantheon, Sickos and Lords of Doom have been kicked completely out of the building for their participation in the brawl, but I'm told they are prowling around the parking lot looking for each other."

BH: "Nightmare's got EFW security out there and has the police on the way to keep the peace."

JB: "Our main event is coming up next. The hWo - Hannibal, Tyrant and Mr. Wiggles - are three of the most dangerous men in EFW, and three of our longest-tenured stars. When they all three lost their Chance of a Lifetime qualifiers, I was honestly shocked. Tonight, they get a chance to regain their places in the world title match, but they have to beat Captain Justice, Jim Freedom and Harrison Duke in order to do so."

BH: "Not Captain Justice, Jim. He's Bolt now!"

JB: "... anyway, fans, our main event is NEXT!"

JB: "And after all that posturing, Mr. Wiggles is the one who comes up with the win for Team HWO! The hWo is back in Chance of a Lifetime!"

BH: "....."

JB: "Aren't you going to wish THEM a Merry Christmas, Buck?"

BH: "....."

JB: "You know, Buck, you really are the worst kind of person. Fans, this is Jim Biggins saying so long from Lexington on this monumental Christmas Eve Massacre! MERRY CHRISTMAS, EFW FANS!!!"