EFW Monday Night Massacre

EFW Monday Night Massacre
from the Arco Arena in Sacramento, California
October 8th, 2007

(A shot is shown of the outside of the Arco Arena in Sacramento, California, with the graphic reading 'Earlier Tonight'. Buck Hammerstein is standing by the road under the big digital Arco sign, the marquee reading 'EFW TONIGHT!'. Buck is wearing a gray suit but is wearing a wooden signboard that hangs over his shoulders. It has the words 'SAY NO TO HWO' written on the front and 'HELL NO HWO' on the back. Apparently, Buck is leading a one-man protest against HWO involvement in EFW shows. Buck paces back and forth while cars pass by, some honking their horns at him. As Buck paces, a blue sedan comes down the road, and when Buck turns his back, it slows up a bit and pulls near the shoulder. When it comes near Buck, the passenger door opens and slams into him, sending him rolling into the ditch. The car speeds off. As it passes the camera you see Hannibal Lecter in the passenger seat exchanging a high-five with the driver, Mr. Wiggles)

(After the Massacre opening plays, the camera pans around the arena, showing crazed EFW fans. It then settles on the announce table, where we see a pair of familiar faces - one sporting a neck brace)

Jim Biggins: "Hello EFW fans, welcome to Monday Night Massacre! I'm glad to be back in the saddle again, with my longtime broadcast partner Buck Hammerstien!"

Buck Hammerstien: "I should never have taken this job. They lied! They said Hannibal was gone!"

JB: "Oh, lighten up, Buck!"

BH: "LIGHTEN UP!? THE SON OF A BITCH TRIED TO KILL ME TODAY! Well I'm not standing for it anymore! Listen, everybody out there - I'm putting a $10,000 bounty on the head of Hannibal Lecter as of right now! Anybody who takes Hannibal out - I mean for GOOD, and I don't care how - I will personally give you 10 grand in CASH. I will take you to my bank personally and get the money and pay you in CASH $10,000!"

JB: "Oh come on Buck...."

BH: "I am dead serious, Jim! I'm not putting up with the hWo's bullshit anymore! $10,000 to the first man to take Hannibal out for good!"

(Buck's ranting is interrupted by Captain Justice's music. He makes his way to the ring, sporting a cape and looking less than actually here. Once he enters the ring, a hush of anticipation comes over the crowd. The moment 'Iron Blue Intention' starts, many fans around the arena drop to one knee, facing the entryway. Vermin emerges from the entrance, sporting a brand new scar on the left side of his torso and wearing a wrestling outfit not seen since he participating in the gauntlet match at Survival of the Fittest years ago. When he is about halfway down the ramp, his music abruptly stops. Maxwell Potterdam, surrounded by a throng of security guards, makes his way out to the stage with a microphone)

Potterdam: "Cut that music off! I own the rights to that song in EFW and I haven't given anybody permission to use it yet! That's right, cut it off!"

(Vermin, who'd made it to the ring, stops and turns to face Potterdam. Just this simple action makes his security tighten up around him even though Vermin is a good 20 feet away)

Potterdam: "Alright Vermin, you've had a week to think things over. I'm tired of waiting. What's it going to be? Are you entering this match as a member of PI2, or are you not entering it at all?"

(Vermin looks towards the announcers and calls for a mic while the boos rain in from the audience. After a moment, longtime EFW ring announcer Larry Wunarme hands his mic to Vermin)

Vermin: "Potterdam, you never cease to amaze and sicken me with your coward's heart. Yours is not the first I have encountered, though. You see, as many of you may expect, Vermin is not my given name. When I was still a young man, I gave up my name to preserve the life and prosperity of someone I cared about very much. I was forced to do it by a group of weak, short-sighted, bueracratic fools, much like yourself - idiots with power, unable to foresee the consequences their idiocy was having on those around them. That day I left behind not only my name, but my entire heritage. If you think that by doing this you have somehow found a way to defeat me, you are, as usual, wrong. I have already overcome this situation in the past, and that one was much worse than anything your puny mind could ever concieve to damage me, and certainly worse than any physical harm any of your henchmen could muster against me."

Vermin: "I have spent most of this day with EFW President Nightmare.. and unfortunately, President Walters as well.. and we have negotiated a deal that will allow my friends and I to compete in EFW without our previous trademarks which you now own. You own the Sickos on Parade, Potterdam, but in name only. You will NEVER own the men and women who made that name as feared as it is. After discussing it with them, we have decided to let that name slip into the past. Henceforth, the ones formerly known as the Sickos on Parade will be known as the Lords of Doom - a name which you can never claim ownership to."

(This annoucement is met with cheers from the audience. Potterdam looks rather angry, but is oddly enough in total control - almost as if he expected it)

Potterdam: "Alright. You made your decision, as foolish as it is. Nobody can say I didn't give you a chance. You're going to regret not taking it."

(Potterdam pockets the mic and turns to leave)

Vermin: "Potterdam."

(Potterdam stops and looks over his shoulder at Vermin)

Vermin: "Watch this match closely. You are next."

(Potterdam doesn't acknowledge the threat, instead continuing to the back. Vermin rolls in the ring, handing the microphone to Larry Wunarme)

COAL 5 Qualifier Vermin vs Captain Justice


Result: Vermin d. Captain Justice (6:02, 187 Power Bomb -> Pinfall)

(After the pin, CJ attempted to stand, but quickly collapsed back to the mat. After Vermin left, CJ still hadn't moved, aside from some weak attempts to stand. Eventually the rest of the Justice League came to the ring, along with some trainers, and helped CJ to the back)

JB: "Let's all hope Captain Justice is going to be okay. Vermin has lost none of his power during the layoff, Buck. It's scary. I felt that powerbomb down here. Vermin's last time in action was a loss to Dante Black..."

BH: "That was a fluke, Jim. Vermin'd had his elbow twisted out of the socket by Idol six months prior to that, and apparently by that scar on his chest had gotten stabbed or something by Kyle Magnum during the House of Death right before EVO-1."

JB: "Good point, Buck. You have to question whether his mind was even IN that match after all that had happened."

BH: "I can tell you right now it wasn't, because it WAS in this one and look how it ended. After seeing this tonight, Dante is the luckiest man walking the earth that he got Vermin at 50%, because if he'd gotten THIS Vermin he might not be walking, period."

JB: "I don't know if I'd go THAT far..."

BH: "As a man who was nearly a victim of that powerbomb on more than one occasion, I will. This match was a statement, Jim. It was a statement to Potterdam and anybody else who is still remembering EVO-1 and thinking of getting in Vermin's way. That statement is: don't."

JB: "... fans, I'm getting word that something's happened in the backstage area, let's take you to Arthur 'Two Sheds' Jackson on the scene!"

(Backstage, a camera is on Arthur 'Two Sheds' Jackson as he stands in front of a dressing room door. The sign on the door is a PI2 logo)

AJ: "Thanks, Jim! I've been standing here waiting to get comments from Maxwell Potterdam about his aquisition of the Sickos on Parade name and Vermin's refusal of his offer. I wasn't able to get an on-camera interview, but I was able to get a comment from Potterdam before he entered the locker room: he said he'd be making his full statement in the ring later on."

JB: "A forboding statement, Arthur."

AJ: "And that's not all, Jim. Moments later, as I was standing here wrapping things up, I saw four unidentified..."

(Suddenly, Potterdam's security grabs the mic away from AJ and tries to cover the camera lens)

Security Goon: "Okay, that's enough. You're through!"

JB: "Hey, leave him be! This isn't some corporate meeting, he has the right to do what he's doing!"

(A loud, metallic thud is heard, following by the camera spinning wildly. When it returns to upright, it shows Rick Idol standing over the fallen security goon with a chair. He doesn't waste time on the goon, instead trying to open the dressing room door)

Rick Idol: "ATLAS!!"

(Idol starts kicking the door near the knob, trying to bash it open, before several more Potterdam goons swarm him. Idol downs one or two with the chair, then a third with a Legend Killer after he is disarmed, but then the goons overwhelm him and drag him out of the shot)

JB : "What's going on back there? For Christ's sake, EFW Security get a handle on this situation!"

Angel's Title Tournament, 1st Round 'The Murder Machine' Andrea Carter vs Veronia Steele


Result: Carter d. Steele (11:39, Murder Machine -> Pinfall)

(Jimmy Hollywood waits behind the curtain for the victor, Andrea Carter. She comes through the curtain a moment later)

Jimmy Hollywood: "I'm standing here with 'The Murder Machine' Andrea Car----"

(Walking over to Hollywood, Carter takes the straps of her tights down as a man might, revealing a sports bra underneath, then dumps a bottle of cold water over her head to cool off. When she throws her hair back to get it out of her face, Hollywood is staring at her wet chest. She doesn't appear to notice)

JH: ".... Carter. Andrea, congrats on your successfull debut."

Andrea Carter: "Thanks little man."

JH: "Little?"

AC: "Yeah, little. Look in the mirror sometime. I'm not trying to be an ass but for a guy you're tiny."

JH: "I'd say it's more that for a woman, you're huge."

(After that comment, she finally notices him staring at her chest)

AC: "I appreciate the compliment, Jimmy, but eyes up here - unless the back of your head likes concrete."

JH: "I wasn't---"

AC: "Veronia, yeah, she can fight, I'll give her that. Just not as good as me. Say, where's the nearest bar?"

JH: "... bar?"

AC: "Yeah, you know.. a place where they serve alcohol? Nevermind, you wouldn't know. Where's Bo Abobo?"

(Carter walks away, looking for Bo Abobo)

JB: "A real tomboy there, Buck."

BH: "Don't let her hear you say that, Jim. She looks like the type that'd go after your crotch. A real maneater."

JB: "... Christ, Buck..."

BH: ".... oh no, I didn't mean it that way!"

JB: "Sure, Buck. Sure."

Tag Team Title Tournament, 1st Round Totally Naked vs The hWo (Hannibal Lechter & Mr. Wiggles)


Result: hWo d. Totally Naked (18:54, hWo Stunner -> Pinfall)

(A camera sneaks a peek inside the training room, where a disoriented Captain Justice sits on a training table, eyes wide and wobbling, wearing a huge, toothy smile. A doctor examines him while the rest of the JL looks on with concern)

JB: "That powerbomb must have knocked something loose in there, Buck. Cap doesn't look too good."

BH: "Eh.. maybe it's for the better. He wasn't exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer."

JB: "Neither are you, Buck. In any event, here's wishing Cap a speedy recovery."

(Another camera elsewhere in the back moves up to what appears to be a heated discussion between President Nightmare and Maxwell Potterdam outside Nightmare's office)

Nightmare: "I don't give a damn who you are, Potterdam. In THIS building, on THIS night, you're just another contracted manager, and you WILL do what I say! This federation is NOT yours and your goons are NOT authorized security personel. Rick Idol has a match tonight. If I ever see your goons or anybody else you employ eject somebody from an EFW event again I'm going to have your head on a platter, you read me?"

Potterdam: "I'll do---"

Nightmare: "DO YOU READ ME?"

(Potterdam is silent and staring a hole through Nightmare)

Nightmare: "I'll take that as a yes. Now get the hell out of here."

(Nightmare enters his office and slams the door in Potterdam's face. The flustered Potterdam stares at it with impotent anger for a moment, then turns to leave. When he sees the camera, he snaps his fingers the goons wrestle it away from the cameraman)

JB: "Nightmare is right, this guy thinks he owns the whole world!"

BH: "He practically DOES, Jim. That company makes everything except shoes."

COAL 5 Qualifier Z-Force vs Quinten Sunder


Result: Z-Force d. Sunder (10:07, Spine Bomb -> Pinfall)

(Shortly after Z-Force's victory, EFW roving reporter Jimmy Hollywood is waiting behind the curtain for a word with the loser, Quinten Sunder. Sunder comes through the curtain and ignores his attempts to get a word completely. Hollywood follows him, camera tagging along, until the two reach the catering area. Some wrestlers and crew are sampling some things from the catering table in the background. Sunder stops right next to a big stack of hamburgers with a sign that says 'Compliments of Chuck's Steaks' next to them and whirls on Hollywood)

Quinten Sunder: "What do you want?"

Hollywood: "Can I have a few words..."

QS: "You can have two: fuck and you."

JH: "... I meant about the match."

QS: "Oh, you think it's funny to ask me about losing, is that it?"

JH: "No, sir, it's my job...."

(During this argument, someone is trying to get to the hamburgers Sunder is blocking)

Voice: "Excuse me.."

QS: "Your job, eh? Is it your job to wear a shitty tie and walk around back here looking like a hobo?"

(Sunder grabs Hollywood's tie and flips it over his shoulder)

Voice: "EXCUSE me.."

QS: "Is it your job to be annoying enough for someone to send you to the emergecy room with a broken back? Is it... what the FUCK is your problem!?"

(Sunder turns on the insistent hamburger seeker.. and has to look up to see the looming face of Chuck Steak himself. Steak looks down at Sunder, his moustache bristling)

Chuck Steak: "Excuse me. I need to check these burgers."

QS: "These burgers? You need to check these burgers here?"

CS: "That's right."

QS: "Well let me help you."

(Sunder turns, grabs the platter the burgers are stacked on, and flips it backwards, sending the burgers flying over the back of the table to the floor)

QS: "Sorry, pal. The burgers are fucked. And as a matter of fact..." (Sunder stands on his toes to get right in Steak's face, and points with his index finger right against his cheek) "... fuck YOU."

(Seeing so much good meat wasted sends Chuck Steak into a rage - he tackles Sunder over the catering table! A fight breaks out on the floor, but a curtain obscures most of it. EFW security moves into the shot to attempt to break up the brawl. Sunder eventually comes up for air and flops on the table, spitting out a half a hamburger. Chuck Steak comes up behind him, shoving burgers in Sunder's mouth)

CS: "MAYBE THIS'LL TEACH YOU! DON'T DISRESPECT THE BEEF!!"

(Security eventually breaks up the fight. Chuck Steak straightens his tie and walks away, while the battered Sunder spits out buns and burgers on the floor.)

(A yelp of pain is heard from somewhere and the camera spins around to show Rick Idol coming through a pair of double doors behind a beaten Andy Horton! Horton has the top of a garbage can around his neck and Idol is carrying a bent chair. He discards the chair and throws Horton head-first into the wall. A disoriented Sunder stands up nearby, shaking his head. When Idol sees him, he wastes no time giving him a LEGEND KILLER for no reason! Sunder goes back down like a ton of bricks. Horton is still out of it, but Idol drags him to the ring, bashing him against various backstage objects along the way.)

(Sunder eventually makes it to his feet as Idol and Horton exit the shot. He looks over at Jimmy Hollywood, who had been cowering the whole time, and his face twists in a snarl. He takes a step towards Hollywood, but then slips on a hamburger patty and goes down again)

COAL 5 Qualifier Rick Idol vs 'Meterosexual' Andy Horton


Result: Idol d. Horton (8:10, Pinfall)

(Idol doesn't end the beating with just a pinfall. Grabbing a chair from under the ring, he waits for Horton to stand and then blasts it across his forehead. As the bell rings to attempt to stop him, Idol slams the bent chair repeatedly over the downed Horton, who is limp and unable to protect himself. Idol hauls Horton up and sets his limp body on the top turnbuckle, then throws the chair down. Savvy EFW fans know what's coming next as Idol lifts Horton on his shoulders. EFW security sprints down the ramp, but is unable to reach the ring before Idol snap's Horton's neck with a STAR DESTROYER on the chair!)

JB: "Good GOD! Idol's killed Andy Horton!"

BH: "Good."

JB: "I'm serious, Buck! He really may be dead!"

BH: ".. would it really matter, Jim? If he's dead, that just makes him OFFICIALLY a stiff."

JB: "You're a sick human being, you know that, Buck?"

BH: "Try getting stalked by a cannibal for ten years and see what it does to YOUR outlook!"

COAL 5 Qualifier Jack Dod vs Eddie Van Bach


Result: Dod d. Bach (16:25, Figure-Four Leglock -> Submission)

JB: "An impressive return win for Jack Dod. That Dodsmack looks deadly!"

BH: (Pours something from a metal flask into his coffee cup) "Mm-hm...."

JB: "Are you even paying attention!?"

BH: "To Jack Dod? No."

JB: "..... fans, let's send you back up to Larry Wunarme, apparently we've got some kind of announcement forthcoming..."

(Ring announcer Larry Wunarmme is in the ring)

LARRY: "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the ring... MAXWELL POTTERDAM III!"

(A small army of security steps through the curtain, forming a human security fence as Maxwell Potterdam III steps through the curtain and walks down the aisle. The form a tight circle around him, eyeing the crowd, the ring, and the entrance ramp. Potterdam enters the ring and the security surrounds it, backs to him and facing all directions. He takes the microphone from Larry and speaks.)

POTTERDAM: "Good evening EFW fans! As you saw earlier, the former Sickos on Parade declined my generous offer to work for me and retain the rights to the names and properties they have become accustomed to all these years. Which is a pity for them because it was a one time offer. I wish them luck starting over from scratch, because that's what they're going to have to do, because everything related to the Sickos on Parade now belongs to me!"

CROWD: "BOOOOO!"

POTTERDAM: "Thank you, thank you, I know you're all excited. As am I. You see, when I bought the rights to the Sickos trademark, I did so not knowing that they were even still around. I thought, like the rest of the world, that they had gone into hiding, escaping the wrestling world that they no longer fit into with their archaic beliefs and practices. Truth be told, I've already spent months finding and training the men who would bring the Sickos name into this bold new era that stands before us. Pi² is always on the cutting edge of products and development, and we consider our wrestling division just as important. Vermin, Weehawk, Bo, and James Bain are dinosaurs... relics of the past. Their time is done, and now it is time to take the Sickos into the future! I believe a new EFW means a new future, and in that new future a new vision of what the Sickos stand for, what they represent, and new warriors to carry this vision out. So without further ado, Potterdam Industries Incorporated proudly brings to you it's newest pardigm... SICKOS, INC.!"

("Voodoo" by Godsmack plays, and bizarre smoke begins emitting from the curtains and down the ramp. A small in stature black man, tribally painted and wearing only a pair of black jeans walks down the ramp. He is carrying a dirty bag that seems to have something moving in it.)

POTTERDAM: "Hailing from the Dark Heart of Jamaica... he is the master of the mystic arts, 'Papa' Jon Vermyn!"

(Vermyn pushes his bag under the ring ropes, then slides under the ropes into the ring himself. He begins dancing ritualistically, eyes rolling in the back of his head, around the bag on the mat. He comes to a stop, reaches down and picks up the bag, giving it an affectionate pat. The music changes to "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred. A group of women, dressed in white robes and carrying flower baskets step through the curtains, dropping flower petals on the floor as they go. Behind them a tall man wiht long blonde hair and extremely handsome features comes walking. He is wearing white tights and boots and is carrying a face mask in his hand. He stops quite often, sometimes to flex a muscle or pose for a girl with a camera, some of whom get a flower and others a kiss on the hand. Many of the women are swooning as he passes them, giving the slightest wink to them.)

POTTERDAM: "From Montreal, Quebec Canada... he is 'the Sexiest Man Alive'... Jean LeHawke!"

(LeHawke steps up on the ring apron, leans back against the ropes and backflips over and into the ring, gracefully and bows to the crowd. He stands in the center of the ring, spreading his arms wide and posing. There are as many women screaming his name as there are men booing him. The music changes again, this time to a bizarre sounding song sung in French as if to Children. There are several more security who step through the aprong, dragging something behind them. Soon we see they are pulling on rods that are attached to shackles clasped around the feet and legs of a man in a straight jacket and metal face protector. He is thrashing around crazily and trying to break free of his bonds. The fans next to the security railing instinctively step back when they see the madman try to jump at them, only to be pulled back by the security.)

POTTERDAM: "Also hailing from Montreal, Quebec Canada... he is 'The French Canadian Madman'... Beau A'Bobeaux!"

(Potterdam motions to the security to undo Beau's restraints. They do so, cautiously, then quickly back away as the man charges into the ring, snarling and head-butting the mat. As he stands to his feet, shaking and regarding the people in the arena, we see he is dressed like an outdoorsman, a wool red cap over his head, a plaid vest and blue jeans with workboots. There is a bit of drool on his mouth as he begins to laugh at nothing in particular. The music changes again, this time to "Feed My Frankenstein" by Alice Cooper. A very large man in simple black tights, kneepads, and boots slowly steps through the curtain. He is wearing a black mask with red eyes and raises his arms arrogantly as he regards the crowd. Something seems familiar about him but you can't quite figure out what.)

POTTERDAM: "And finally, the man who will lead Sickos, Inc. into the future... 'Magic' Johnny Bane!"

(The large man ignores the crowd, marching to the ring with purpose. He hops onto the apron, then over the ropes and walks right up to Potterdam, shaking his hand and then grabbing the hand of Beau, raising them both high. The other two men follow suit and all 5 men are raising their hands in celebration.)

POTTERDAM: "EFW fans, get ready, because the future is now, and it is going to be SICK! Hahahahaha!"

(A remixed version of "Hall of the Mountain King" plays as Potterdam escorts Sickos, Inc. from the ring, security surrounding all of them in a defensive circle as they leave)

JB: "I'm not sure which is cheaper - Potterdam's suit or this weak attempt to capitalize on the success of the former Sickos."

BH: "Definitely the suit. I can't help but think, though.. I want to say I've seen that Johnny Bane guy before."

JB: "I seriously doubt Potterdam was scouting AA meetings for his new guys, Buck."

BH: "... well ha-ha, Jim."

JB: "In any event, a rather huge announcement here from Maxwell Potterdam. These four thugs of his certainly look the part. I suppose we'll see if they have what it takes to compete on future shows. Alright fans, next up is the MAIN EVENT of the evening!"


Tag Team Title Tournament, 1st Round "Mad Dog" Mike Phillips & "The Natural" Dutch Rogers vs Paul Savage & Bret Stillman


Result: Bad Company d. The Justice League (24:49, atomic drop/backdrop -> Pinfall [Rogers over Stillman])

JB: "What a match! Phillips & Rogers had to throw in everything they had to overcome the Justice League in that one!"

BH: (Pours something from a metal flask into his coffee cup) "Mm-hm...."

JB: "You fat bastard! I swear... in any event, fans, thanks for tuning in, and we'll see you for Massacre again on October 22nd!"

BH: (drinks from his cup) "Mm-hm...."