(A camera is trained on a speaker set into the wall in the catering area of EFW Massacre. The video graphic says 'Earlier Tonight')

Voice: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the President speaking. As you know, President Walters is in charge of Mayhem. He lets a lot of things go on that I wish he wouldn't. But I'm in charge of Massacre, and I'm telling you all right now that I will not tolerate interference in matches. If anybody so much as approaches that ring tonight between the bells I'm going to suspend them for six months. Second, I want to assure everyone that Jack Dod *IS* here tonight, and he WILL be wrestling in the ring, and he has been informed that if he tries ANYTHING to get out of it, he's fired. That means if he breaks his neck getting into his wrestling gear, he better come to the ring and get pinned on the backboard before he leaves or he's out of a job. And if anybody else named Dod so much as LOOKS at that ring tonight and they'll be suspended for 6 months."

Voice: "There are two titles being decided tonight, as well as a pair of matches that will determine who I name #1 contender to the world heavyweight title. I say again: I will NOT tolerate any bullshit tonight with these matches. This show is going to go smooth and by the numbers, and anybody who screws with that is going to have hell to pay. That is all."

(The camera shot fades)

(After the Massacre opening plays, the camera pans around the arena at the screaming EFW fans. Several are carrying homemade signs. Proving the creativity of EFW fans is unusually high, the signs include one that has a Mark Bowen action figure hanging from a popsicle-stick gallows. After lingering on that one a moment, the camera settles on the two announcers, as usual in their place at ringside)

Jim Biggins: "Welcome to Massacre, fans! Tonight two titles will be--- wait, what's this?"

(A camera jerks to the side to show Rick Idol coming over the guardrail with a chair. He walks over towards the announce table, causing Buck Hammerstien to nearly trip over himself running away. Jim Biggins, however, remains in place. Idol looks at them for a second, then unfolds the chair, sits down in it, and puts his feet on the announce table. Buck eventually returns to the desk and sits down, eyeing Idol uneasily)

Jim Biggins: "Well, welcome to Massacre, Mr. Idol. Would you like a headset?"

(Idol ignores him, staring at the ring impatiently)

Jim Biggins: "Okay, fans, it looks like he doesn't have anything to say, but we've been joined by Rick Idol at our announce position, and the man appears to be awaiting his matchup with Alexander Atlas."

Buck Hammerstien: "Is that one on first?"

Jim Biggins: "No, Buck, it isn't."

Buck Hammerstien: "Dammit!"

Jim Biggins: "Don't worry, Buck, it gives you time to go clean out the back of your pants."

Buck Hammerstien: "Oh kiss my ass!"

Jim Biggins: "Fans, tonight we are FINALLY going to see Jack Dod get his just desserts. After attacking Vermin and causing Sarah Jackson to suffer an injury, Dod has sleazed his way out of every attempt at retribution. President Nightmare has assured us tonight that he has closed the loopholes Dod utilized in weeks past to escape and that this week, we're going to see him against Z-Force, a man who could be out for blood tonight."

Buck Hammerstien: "It wouldn't surprise me if he was, he seems rather protective of her even though she could probably beat up half the men in the company."

Jim Biggins: "We're also going to see both the tag team titles and the Angel's title decided tonight. Z-Force will be pulling double duty as he and his wife Sarah take on The Darkhold in the tag team title match. Team Z-Force has been on a tear lately and they suffered a real beating at the hands of the Sons of Destiny. The Darkhold, on the other hand, have handily dispatched most of their opponents, the only exception being Maxwell Potterdam's Phalanx team, which seemed to hand the victory to the Darkhold with their own miscues. Who do you have in that one, Buck?"

Buck Hammerstien: "It's a tough call. The only thing I know for sure is Grim Reaper bugs the hell out of me."

Jim Biggins: "I think that goes for almost everybody, Buck. Our other title match pits the arrogant Morgana Le Fay against Obsession's Mornëwen for the Angel's Title. This will be the first time a women's champion has been crowned in EFW history, making one of these two women the Nightmare of their division. Le Fay is definitely more experienced, and she has a lot of power which is Mornëwen’s weak point. She's so small her body just doesn't have the mass to absorb a lot of those high-impact shots. But Mornëwen's been trained by the world heavyweight champion, James William Bain, as well as the rest of the Lords of Doom. Who's the favorite here, Buck?"

Buck Hammerstien: "Mornëwen's my favorite!"

Jim Biggins: "... that's not what I asked, Buck, but okay. You pull off that creepy old man act very well, by the way. If it's an act."

Buck Hammerstien: "Hey, shut up!"

Jim Biggins: "Because of all the controversy Dod has caused, we're going to have his match up first. Take it away, Larry!"

(Z-Force is introduced first. Jack Dod comes out second, but before he can reach the middle of the ramp, an insane looking Mylandah Arkar Walder comes through the curtain behind him! She is carrying a long, thin box. She reaches in the box as she walks, then discards the cardboard, revealing the object inside: a long footman's warhammer, made out of stainless steel and inlaid with gold. The head has a nasty-looking curved spike on the back. She grips it with both hands and stalks up behind the oblivious Dod.

Jack must have seen the wide-eyed look on Z-Force's face and turned to look behind him. He didn't hesitate for a second, sprinting towards the ring with Mylandah right behind him. He slid into the ring, but then stood up with Z-Force right in his face and quickly hit the mat again! Mylandah followed him in, intent on braining him with the hammer. She swings at it and it thuds against the mat as Dod dodged the blow. She swings again at him and when Dod ducks, she nearly hits Z-Force, who then grabs the hammer and tries to wrestle it away from her. President Nightmare comes storming through the curtain with a mic)

Nightmare: "Hold it. DAMMIT I SAID HOLD IT!"

(The three in the ring stop and look at Nightmare, Mylandah ripping her hammer out of Z-Force's grip)

Nightmare: "What did I say, Mylandah? I know you were here, I told EVERYBODY earlier tonight that I was NOT going to put up with this kind of crap tonight! What do you expect me to do now?"

(Mylandah yells some unkind and expletive-littered response about not really caring what he does back at him)

Nightmare: "Oh, is that right? Well guess what, miss? You just bought yourself a six month susp-------"

President Walters: "Wait, wait! I know how to handle this!"

(President Walters comes through the curtain behind Nightmare. He has a black jacket on over his Hawaiian shirt and an EFW baseball cap on that has a toupee attached to the bottom of it. He has a mic in one hand and a huge cell phone in the other)

President Walters: "THREE.. WAY.. DANCE!!"

(Nightmare looks at Walters as if the man has gone insane, more for the way he's dressed than what he said. The crowd starts chanting 'Three Way Dance!')

Jim Biggins: "That's not a bad idea, Buck - all three of them have issues with each other!"

Buck Hammerstien: "I just hope she doesn't bring that hammer down here!"

(After thinking about it for a moment, Nightmare raises the mic)

Nightmare: "... okay. If I can't keep you OUT of the ring, Mylandah, I'll put you IN the ring - *IF* Z-Force and Dod agree to it."

(Dod laughs, saying he could take them both in a handicap match if needed. Z-Force just makes a signal towards the timekeeper as if saying 'just ring the bell'. Nightmare nods)

Nightmare: "Alright, three way dance it is! Slade, take that hammer from her."

(Referee Jim Slade walks over to Mylandah, trying to convince her to give up the weapon. She eventually relents, setting it down in the corner near the ring post. Nightmare and Walters walk back through the curtain, Nightmare gesturing incredulously at Walters' wardrobe and shaking his head)

(Dod walks around the ring with his hands out, absorbing the jeers of the crowd. He is pelted with trash. He clearly says 'What did I tell you?' a couple of times)

JB: "I can't believe this.... I can't fucking BELIEVE this!!"

BH: "Jim! Language!"

(Mylandah came to her senses in the ring after the Dodsmack and crawled towards the corner where her hammer was. Z-Force pulled himself up from the floor and returned to the ring, limping across it and attacking Jack Dod in the back! Dod quickly kicked his leg out from under him, then put him back in the figure four. Mylandah retrieved her hammer from behind them as the bell rang furiously. She walked over and swung it down, cracking it right into Dod's chest!! The figure-four is released. Z-Force pulled himself up on the ropes, but when he turned, Mylandah blasted HIM in the head with the hammer, dropping him to the mat!

Then inevitable then happened - a familiar scumbag crawled out from under the ring, where Mylandah couldn't see. Bowen, wearing a huge grin, crawled in the ring quietly while Mylandah was waiting for Dod to stand. Bowen crept up behind her... and right before he struck, Mylandah kicked high and backwards, hitting him right in the chin and blasting him right off his feet!! She turned on Bowen, then kicked his feet apart. She raised the hammer over her head, intended to slam it right into his groin... but was grabbed from behind by Jack Dod, who dropped her to the canvas with a back drop! The hammer bounced across the mat, out of her reach.

Dod and Bowen kicked and stomped Mylandah to the canvas. Bowen got a sick grin as he spotted the hammer and pointed to it, the crowd booing him out of the building. Dod grabbed Mylandah's arms and held her down, telling Bowen to go for it. Bowen retrieved the hammer, but at that point, Willie Ramsey sprinted through the curtain, intent on getting some payback on Bowen for his recent loss! Bowen tried to hit Ramsey with the hammer but Ramsey hit him with a hard lariat that sent the hammer flipping out of his grasp! Ramsey dropped on Bowen and wailed on him with shots, but again Dod saved Bowen, grabbing a chair from ringside and slamming it across Ramsey's back. Dod made a waving motion to the back, was he calling someone out?

But with everyone down, Z-Force regained his feet and leaped at Dod, slamming a flying knee into the back of his skull! He pushed Dod back into the corner, wailing on him with right-handed shots, then climbed up on the second buckle. Z-Force held up his fist, and the crowd went nuts as Z pounded shot after shot into Dod's face! The crowd reaction changed as someone slid in the ring behind Z-Force. Z-Force noticed the change. He jumped down from the turnbuckle and turned, and just like a snake, Jake Jackson struck, DDTing Z-Force to the mat before he even had a chance to see what was going on. Jackson sat on the mat, his lopsided evil grin showing, as Z-Force lay completely prone on the canvas.



Dod and Bowen converged on Ramsey, who had recovered from the chair shot, and shortly Jackson joined them. The three tied Ramsey up in the ropes, and then with Dod and Bowen holding him still, Jackson grabbed the chair and held it up, making his intentions perfectly clear. Ramsey cursed at them and spit at Jackson, but missed.

The crowd erupted again as Jack Furlong came down the isle with a baseball bat! Jackson turned at the last second and blocked a bat shot with his chair, but then Furlong went to his knee, knocking Jackson off his feet. He ran over to swing at Dod, but Dod saw it coming and dropped like a bag of bricks, hitting the canvas and rolling out of the ring. Bowen followed suit. Furlong turned his attention back to Jackson, hitting him in the legs over and over with the bat, wailing on his legs like a baseball bat-wielding Charlie Murphy. Furlong was facing the entrance when another wrestler - Quinten Sunder - came through the curtain. Furlong waved him on, telling him to bring it, while Sunder slowly came to the ring. Furlong, in his berserk state, had forgotten about Dod and Bowen, and the two rushed him from opposite sides of the ring, tackling him to the canvas while Sunder ran down to join them.

The three kicked and stomped Furlong down, none of them paying any attention to Mylandah, who had pulled herself back to her feet and retrieved her hammer. The first one down was Bowen, who Mylandah brained in the back of the head. The second one was Dod, who turned and got a shot to the stomach, then one across the back, and Sunder went down last, eating a hammer shot right to the face!!

Z-Force was face-down in one corner. Willie Ramsey had been freed from the ropes by referee Jim Slade, but was on one knee. Jack Furlong was pulling himself up on the ropes. Jack Dod and Mark Bowen were laid out in mid-ring. Jackson was in a corner, holding his left knee. When EFW security was finally dispatched to the area, only Mylandah was standing, breathing hard through clenched teeth and daring anybody to come near her)

(Back from commercial, Nightmare is in the back, standing between Mylandah, Ramsey, Furlong and Z-Force on one side and Jack Dod, Mark Bowen, Jake Jackson and Quinten Sunder on the other. EFW security is holding them all apart)

Nightmare: "Alright, shut up and listen to me! SHUT UP!"

(The group falls silent)

Nightmare: "Mylandah, you deserve a suspension for what you did out there tonight. Not once but twice! I gave you and Z-Force the chance to get your payback and you didn't close the deal. That doesn't mean you get to do whatever you want after the match is over!"

Jack Dod: "Yeah! You tell her!"

Nightmare: "You shut the hell up, Dod! Just because you won doesn't mean I'm any happier with the way you've been going over my head and disrespecting everybody around here. And that goes double for you, Bowen. Sunder, I don't know where you fit into this..."

Sunder: "I was paid well for my services. And since my contract with Dod is up, I don't have to stand here and take your shit. Excuse me."

Nightmare: "You take another step and your ass is going to be washing cars, Sunder. "

(Sunder turns slowly and walks right up to Nightmare, nose to nose)

Sunder: "Don't push your luck with me. I don't give a shit what you do around here..."

Nightmare: "Go ahead, Sunder. Do it. I dare you. Because not only will I kick your fucking ass all over this arena, but tomorrow morning you'll be shining my shoes."

(Sunder appears to contemplate it for a moment, but then steps back)

Nightmare: "You better know I mean it, too. You guys - ALL you guys - are on my last nerve. Ramsey, you're the only exception, but since you inserted yourself into this tonight, this is how it's going to be: Jack Furlong, Mylandah, Z-Force and Willie Ramsey, you guys are taking on Jack Dod, Mark Bowen, Jake Jackson and Quinten Sunder at Gang Wars. You're gonna get your shots at each other there - and I swear, if I see ANY of this nonsense on Massacre between now and then, I'm gonna suspend ALL of you until AFTER Gang Wars!"

Sunder: "What the hell are you talking about? I'm not-----"

Mylandah: "You are INSANE if you think-----"

Bowen: "HAHAHAHA!"

Furlong: "You can kiss my white ass, Nightmare! I ain't teaming with---"

Dod: "Wait, I already beat these two, why do------"

Nightmare: "LISTEN: I didn't ASK for your OPINIONS. I TOLD you, THIS is how it's going to be, and if you mess with me on this I'm gonna suspend your asses for so long you won't even recognize this place when you get back."

(Nightmare walks out of the shot, heading towards his office. The argument between the four resumes)

(The camera settles back on the announcers. Idol looks bored by the whole situation)

JB: "Blockbuster announcement there by the President! Our first match is signed for Gang Wars and it should be a real doozy!"

BH: "Can either of those two teams actually work together?"

JB: "I don't know, Buck, that's a very good question!"

(Idol closes his chair up, picks it up and rolls into the ring. He stands with the chair ready, waiting for Atlas to arrive. But instead of Atlas, Maxwell Potterdam comes through the curtain alone, a big grin on his face. Idol immediately points at the ring announcer and asks for the mic)

Idol: "I told you not to fuck with me on this, Max. Where's Atlas?!"

Potterdam: "I never said you'd be defending your #1 contender's spot against Atlas, just that if you put it on the line that you would get your match with him. If you win this match, you get one step closer to your goal, but if you LOSE you are losing your claim as the #1 contender to ... THIS MAN!"

(Potterdam gestures to the curtain, and out stalks the monster Onslaught! Idol rolls his eyes and throws the mic back out of the ring. He waves Onslaught on, and the big man runs and slides in the ring. Idol takes a swing with the chair, but Onslaught punches it out of his hands, sending it sliding under the bottom rope. The referee gets between the two, resetting them for the start of the match, repeating Nightmare's warnings to both)

(The crowd cheers at Idol's defeat of Onslaught. Idol doesn't pay them any attention, instead retrieving his chair from its place on the floor, clearly not finished with the big man. Idol tosses the chair down in the corner, then pulls Onslaught up and sits him backwards on the top turnbuckle! Potterdam waves to the back, calling out re-enforcements!)

JB: "Good god, Idol's looking to finish off Onslaught for GOOD!!"

(The Pantheon comes through the curtain at a collective sprint, trying to stop Idol before he can complete the move. Risking his own body to protect his investment, Maxwell Potterdam grabs Idol's foot from the floor, holding him up for precious seconds while the rest of his men hit the ring. Patrick Potterdam and Titan Tower kick and punch Idol down to the canvas while Alexander Atlas watches, his arms folded, an arrogant sneer on his face. Onslaught, having recovered his senses, climbs down from the top turnbuckle. Idol starts to fight back, shoving Potterdam away, but he runs right into a Devastator by the man he'd intended to cripple!)

(The crowd boos while Patrick and Tower grab Idol's arms, lifting him up to his knees and holding him there while Atlas tees off on his face, busting his nose. Atlas grabs Idol's face, forcing him to look up, and Idol responds by spitting right in Atlas's face. Atlas wipes the spit off, then turns and grabs the chair that Idol had brought in the ring. Atlas holds the chair up for Idol to see)

(In the back, a camera catches the locker room door of the Crusade being thrown open. Mike Swanson and Machine, followed by a limping Red Rocket, exit the locker room. Machine goes on ahead while Swanson stops and turns briefly to Rocket)

Swanson: "You're still hurt, stay here!"

Rocket: "What?! Mac, you're---"

Swanson: "STAY HERE!"

(Swanson follows Machine through the curtain. Rocket frowns and puts his hands on his hips, frustrated. The door to the stairwell behind him slowly opens, and right when he turns to go back in the locker room, Lance Van Horn springs, slamming a chair right into Rocket's damaged knee! Rocket goes down in a heap, holding the knee. Van Horn stands over Rocket, mocking him, then stomps the knee. Rocket throws a couple of wild swings at Van Horn, who just laughs and steps back out of the way. Alexi Markoff enters the shot from the side, throwing a steel trash can on Rocket that flattens him down. EFW security comes into the area and separates the men. Alexi and Van Horn mock the prone Rocket as they are escorted off)

JB: "Rocket's down, somebody -- security, somebody get out here, and help Red Rocket! "

BH: "We don't even HAVE enough security guys for all this!"

(In the ring, Swanson and Machine slide in just in time to stop Atlas from flattening Idol, but unfortunately the fight is four-on-two and one of the four is Onslaught! Atlas and Potterdam take Swanson while Onslaught and Tower brutalize Machine in an opposite corner. Atlas takes the chair and slams it over Swanson's back)

JB: "Jesus Christ, we've got chaos all over this arena! Somebody do something!"

(As if on cue, 'Highway to the Danger Zone' hits the speakers and draws every eye to the entryway. Unfortunately for the Pantheon, that's not where Nomad makes his entrance from! Nomad leaps over the guardrail right next to the announcers, chair in hand, and slides in the ring behind them all. A chairshot sends Atlas rolling to the floor, then another one catches Patrick Potterdam, knocking him between the ropes. Mike Swanson and Machine, still with some fight in them, grab Titan Tower and double lariat him over the top rope. But the two then turn and get caught by the throat by Onslaught, who choke slams them both to the canvas simultaneously! Nomad slams the chair over his back, but the monster barely budges. Onslaught turns to Nomad and grabs him by the throat, intent on delivering a Devastator!... but then Nomad kicks him right in the groin! The crowd goes nuts as the monster releases the hold in pain and is then slammed by another chairshot by Nomad, this one sending him through the ropes to the apron, and then to the floor!)

JB: "Thank God for Nomad!"

(Swanson, Machine and Idol are all down in the ring, and while the Pantheon tries to re-enter the ring, Nomad wards them all off with the chair. Eventually they go back up the ramp at Potterdam's orders)

JB: "I can't believe what we've just witnessed - Idol's moving, Swanson and Machine are moving, how is Red Rocket? Guys? Anybody got word on Rocket? Buck, I tell you.."

BH: "I haven't seen chaos like this since the glory days of the Sickos, Jim, this is insane! Nobody is safe!"

JB: "You took the words right out of my mouth. Do we... we have someone backstage, AJ?"

(Nightmare is backstage sorting through the chaos. He's holding a two-way radio and standing over Red Rocket, who has trainers examining his injured knee)

Nightmare: "I don't care if Van Horn went to Indochina, I want EFW security in a bowl of rice ready to grab his little punk ass, you hear what I'm saying? And Markoff, too, you got me? GOOD!"

(Nightmare re-holsters the radio and grabs a trainer)

Nightmare: "Is he gonna be okay?"

Trainer: "Yeah, he's lucky he turned when he did. If Van Horn'd hit him in the back of the knee this could have been a lot worse. As it was his foot wasn't planted and his leg kind of rolled with the blow. He's going to be fine."

Arthur 'Two Sheds' Jackson: "Mr. President, as per your statements earlier tonight, will you be handing any penalties down on the Pantheon for this display of gang tactics and this attack on Rick Idol?"

(Nightmare runs a hand over the front of his mask in frustration, then rubs the bridge of his nose)

Nightmare: "I can't. It was self-defense, Idol started it by going after Onslaught after the bell. Potterdam would easily beat any fine or suspension I handed down with an appeal to the board of directors."

(James William Bain, followed by Weehawk and Bo Abobo, enter the shot from the side)

Bain: "Hey look, I wanted this match tonight to be with no excuses. I don't want Swanson going in there at half strength or none of this means anything."

Nightmare: "I know. We've got roughly an hour before you're scheduled to go on, if I don't think he's ready we'll bump you to the next Massacre."

Bain: "... fine. You tell that seven foot sack of Goonies-reject monkey shit in the mask his ass just made my list."

(Bain and his friends leave. An aide with a headset approaches Nightmare)

Aide: "Z-Force says he's ready to go, sir."

Nightmare: "Okay. It's his choice. Go tell them they're up next."

(Nightmare pulls a bottle of Pepto Bismol out of his jacket and drinks a long swig of it. He puts the cap back on and turns his head slowly to President Walters, who stands next to him wearing a yellow and red striped helicopter beanie on his head. The two share a long, silent look)

Walters: "Want a beanie?"

Nightmare: "Get the hell out of my face!"

(After a commercial break, the ring is cleared of bodies and debris. Nightmare comes down to ringside, carrying the world tag team title belts)

JB: "Alright, fans, we can finally get back to some in-ring action! The EFW tag team titles are about to be decided. Team Z-Force will be taking on the Darkhold. Team Z-Force beat Potterdam's Sick & Sexy, Condo & Super Canadian, The Sons of Destiny and Mike Phillips & Dutch Rogers to reach this point, while the Darkhold beat Andy Horton & Knee McCoy, Jack & Caleb Dod, Quinten Sunder & Jake Jackson and The Phalanx to get here. Their paths were roughly the same, which team do you think takes it tonight?"

BH: "Well I would have called it a toss-up, but after that beating Z-Force took, he's an idiot for not trying to postpone this match. No way they beat the Darkhold when not at 100%."

JB: "I wouldn't say he's an idiot, Buck, the man is honorable and he wants to compete."

BH: "Yeah, a fat lot of good that does him now. He's going to let Jake Jackson and Jack Dod cost him the tag team titles!"

JB: "Don't count your chickens before they hatch, Buck! Z-Force and Sarah Jackson have proven their toughness more than once. Fans, the tag title match is NOW!"

(Nightmare climbs the steps and hands the tag team titles to the Darkhold. Even Nightmare doesn't seem entirely comfortable in the presence of Grim Reaper. Z-Force helps Sarah to her feet, then slams both fists into the turnbuckle in frustration. Black Scorpion says something to Grim Reaper, and Reaper gives him a barely perceptible nod. Black Scorpion walks over to Z-Force and offers him a handshake. Z-Force starts to leave in disgust without taking it, but then Jackson grabs him and talks to him. Z-Force sighs, then relents. He and Jackson briefly shake the hands of The Darkhold before leaving the ring. The fans give Z-Force and Jackson a huge round of applause as they leave)

JB: "Congratulations to Black Scorpion and Grim Reaper, here's hoping their reign is a long one! That was a great match, Buck, and the Darkhold certainly earned the victory, but I have to wonder what would have happened had Z-Force not suffered that hammer shot or DDT earlier on."

BH: "It's like I said earlier, Jim, there's just no way any team is going to beat the Darkhold when they don't come in at 100%. It's going to be hard enough to do it when you ARE ready."

JB: "My hat is off to Z-Force for coming out here and giving it his all in spite of what happened earlier, and I think most of these fans echo that sentiment. Our Angel's title match is up next, fans, don't change the channel!"

(When the show comes back from commercial, Hannibal Lecter is entering the ring with a microphone, strutting to 'Voodoo Child')

JB: "Well, apparently Hannibal has something to say here before we get to the ladies."

BH: "Screw him! Get him out of the ring, we've got business to do here! GET OUT OF THE RING YOU SON OF A BITCH FREAK!!"

(Hannibal gestures at the back to cut the music and they do. He turns to face Buck Hammerstien at the announce position and shakes his head)

Hannibal: "Buck, Buck, Buck... you know, all these years you've been making up lies about the HWO, telling people we ate your dog and stole your kids, when you told the cops we burned down your shed with a manure bomb and pissed on your delivery pizza, when you lied to the feds about that shipment of cocaine they found in your briefcase and told them it was us... that time that truck delivered all those human slaves to your house and you blamed it on us.. all those rental cars of yours that mysteriously vanish that's somehow our fault.. you know, all these things I was willing to chalk up to you just being jealous of me. But now, you go and disparage the Jewish people? What kind of monster are you, Buck?"

(Buck stands up and yells back at him)

BH: "You SHUT UP! You know that billboard said "Say No To HWO", not Jews! You altered it to make me look like an asshole!"

Hannibal: "You don't need help to look like an asshole, Buck. You do a great job on your own out here every week."

BH: "I hope somebody KILLS you, Hannibal! I hope you fucking DIE!! Shut your mouth!!"

Hannibal: "See? This guy is totally unstable. He shouldn't even be out here, spouting off this anti-Semitic filth. I'm tired of looking at your fat face and hearing you run your fat mouth, Buck. I'll tell you what. We've got Gang Wars coming up. Why don't you shut my mouth yourself? The HWO will take on you and any three bozos you can find that'll actually take your side. Except no actual Bozo's, Mr. Wiggles says those guys are bad news."

BH: "Yeah, right! I remember the last time I got in the ring with you, I'm not going anywhere near you again!"

Hannibal: "Tell you what, fatass: I'll put my CAREER on the line. If your team can beat my team at Gang Wars, Hannibal Lecter will retire from professional wrestling PERMANENTLY."

BH: "..... are you serious?"

Hannibal: "Dead serious, Buck."

JB: "Don't do it, Buck!"

BH: "But, Jim... can you imagine it? A world without Hannibal?"

(Buck stares off into space with this serene, peaceful smile on his face, like he is seeing nirvana)

JB: "I'm telling you, don't do it!"

BH: ".... I have to, Jim! I have to! I can find three people to beat these guys! YOU'RE ON, HANNIBAL!! YOU'RE ON!!"

JB: "Oh God no..."

Hannibal: "Ha! See you at Gang Wars, Buck!"

(Hannibal starts to leave the ring, but then stops and turns back)

Hannibal: "Oh, and one more thing: if your team LOSES at Gang Wars, then.... well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. See you around, fat boy!"

(Hannibal exits the ring to his music, pointing to his palm and saying 'The Power Lies Here!')

JB: "Well folks, we've got our second match signed for Gang Wars, and it's... going to be really short and ugly."

BH: "I can do it, Jim! I can do it!"

JB: "Oh Christ, Buck, no you can't. Fans, our Angel's Title match is up next!"

(Nightmare climbs up the steps to the ring, holding the Angel's Title. He crosses over and hands it to Mornëwen. She looks down at the belt as if she can't believe she's holding it. Nightmare raises her hand, and with her other hand she holds the belt high for everyone to see)

JB: "Congratulations to Mornëwen, our first Angel's Champion! We would have had a fine champion either way, Buck, but I'm not ashamed to say I'm glad Mornëwen won this match."

BH: "I'm not ashamed of ANYTHING I do involving her!"

JB: "......"

(Mornëwen turns back to the entrance to find James Bain standing in the ring, the world heavyweight title belt over his shoulder. Mornëwen gestures to the Angel's Title, as if to say 'How about THAT?' and Bain laughs, crossing over to plant a big kiss on her, causing flashbulbs to go off all over the arena)

(Back from commercial, we find Arthur 'Two Sheds' Jackson standing outside the Crusade locker room with Mike Swanson)

AJ: "Mike, I'm sure EFW fans are as curious as the rest of us as to your status for tonight's main event matchup against James Bain?"

Swanson: "I'm 100% and ready to go."

AJ: "Really?"

Swanson: "Absolutely. One choke slam isn't putting me down, even if it IS Onslaught that does it."

AJ: "Alright, thanks Mike! Back to you guys."

(Nightmare is standing in the ring when the cameras return to ringside, in an argument with President Walters, who is holding a t-shirt gun)

JB: "Welcome back to ringside, fans. We just had a minor.. er, equipment malfunction.."

BH: "Just tell them, Jim. Walters shot a retarded kid right in the face with the t-shirt gun."

JB: "Buck, we don't use the word 'retarded', okay? We use 'developmentally challenged'. And the gun clearly malfunctioned."

BH: "The only way that damn thing could have malfunctioned if it ISN'T supposed to launch a rolled-up t-shirt at extremely high velocity right at the face of the retarded kid sitting not five feet from you when you pull the trigger."

(Walters throws the t-shirt gun down and storms off. Nightmare calls for a mic)

Nightmare: "Before we get to the main event, I want to make a couple of major announcements. The first one is that, as I told the crew earlier, the results of the matches involving Rick Idol and James Bain tonight are going to determine who I name #1 contender to the world heavyweight title. With Idol's victory, he is the current frontrunner, and if Bain is able to beat Swanson, then Rick Idol will OFFICIALLY be the #1 contender. If Swanson wins.. I guess we'll have to do Swanson vs Idol."

(The crowd cheers at that)

Nightmare: "The second announcement is that, starting on next week's Mayhem shows, we are going to be conducting a UNITED STATES TITLE TOURNAMENT! The finals will be held on the last Massacre before Gang Wars. The brackets have already been set up, based on Chance of a Lifetime longevity. Ladies and gentlemen, if you will turn your attention to the big screen, you will see them for yourselves. I can tell you one thing for sure: after seeing what one of these wrestlers is going to have to go through to win this title, I'm glad I'm retired."

JB: "Holy lord, Buck! Look at these matches! Dod vs Nomad, Tyrant vs Furlong, Swanson vs VERMIN!? Does that mean VERMIN is going to compete for the US Title!?"

BH: "Look at the match above that one, Jim: Z-Force vs Mylandah! As of tonight, those two are Gang Wars teammates!"

JB: "This is incredible!"

(The crowd gives a brief 'EFW' chant)

Nightmare: "My last announcement concerns the No Limits division. When EFW first re-opened, we decided to go with a league-style event for these wrestlers because we didn't have enough on the roster to justify bringing back the title. Now, things have changed, and also starting next week on Massacre, we're going to be holding a NO LIMITS TITLE TOURNAMENT! We've got the brackets set up for that one already, too, this one was seeded by computer simulation. We've called up some AWF guys to give them a shot at earning a spot on the roster. If you'll turn your attention once again to the big screen...."

Nightmare: "Thanks for coming tonight, everybody, and enjoy the main event!"

JB: "Another tournament?! And this one looks just like the last one, it could literally go to anybody in the field!"

BH: "Buncha guys jumping around like rabbits, who cares.."

JB: "Maybe we should hold an eating contest, would that capture your attention, Buck?"

BH: "Yeah, maybe it would!"

JB: "Don't get any big ideas, Buck, the federation couldn't afford a belt big enough to fit around you. Folks, our main event is up NEXT!!"

(After Swanson and Bain make their entrances, Bain tosses the world title belt to the referee and calls for a mic. The ring announcer hands it to him. He walks to center ring, standing face to face with Swanson)

Bain: "Now that we're here, I'm going to tell you straight out: you're not gonna get kicked in the nuts tonight. At least, not by me. No low blows, no rope holding, no bullshit. I'm going to beat you at your own game. Number two, I don't think anybody here is going to be satisfied if I come out and roll you up in ten seconds and end this whole thing. I won't be satisfied, you won't be, and I know none of the people who bought tickets would be. So, to give you a fair chance to beat me, let's do things... best two out of three falls?"

(Swanson laughs and nods, then turns to grab the top rope, pulling it down. Bain tosses the mic back to Larry Wunarme with a grin)

JB: "You know, sometimes I can't tell if Bain is really that egotistical or if he's BSing all of us."

BH: "Either one is equally possible. I think he's got enough ego for everybody in this building and then some."

JB: "Either way, this match just got twice as good! James William Bain and Mike Swanson, best two out of three falls!"

(Right when the bell rings, Bain releases the Heartbreaker and lands lightly on his feet. He bows to the audience, soaking in the cheers of his lady fans. Swanson shakes his head, driving blood back to his brain)

JB: "Ego or not, Bain put his money where his mouth was and cashed the check that it wrote tonight!"

BH: "I wish I knew HALF as many clichés as you do, Jim."

JB: "It's called an education, Buck. You shoud--- wait, what the hell?"

(In the seconds after the bell rings, Johnny Bane slides in the ring, having run down from the entrance, apparently too late to break up the Heartbreaker. Swanson sees him coming, but Johnny Bane doesn't seem interested in that, instead charging right at the back of Bain! But as he goes for the spear, Bain rolls his shoulder down at the last second, floats over Johnny Bane's back, catches him around the arm, rotates around and locks the Heartbreaker on him!! As Johnny Bane struggles to escape the hold, Bain looks out at the crowd with a huge grin, saying 'GOTCHA BITCH!'. Johnny Bane eventually flips over on his own back, but Bain doesn't release the hold until his movement slows down. Bain finally lets go and calls for the mic. He stands over the slowly moving form of Johnny Bane with it)

Bain: "You want a little more, Baby Huey? Huh? You look like a hot dog that's been in the microwave too long. That's your problem. You got all that muscle but you don't have any in the one place it counts."

(Bain squats down and knocks on his head)

Bain: "I'm knocking and all I hear are echoes. All that power don't do you any good if you can't CATCH me, genius. What's that you're saying?"

Johnny Bane: "I'll... KILL YOU..."

Bain: (in his best Boo-Boo Bear voice) "Gooood, Yogi!"

(Bain stands up and drops a knee across the back of Johnny Bane's head, knocking him silly. He then turns to the entrance. He leans on the top rope facing the curtain, shaking his head. Mike Swanson is watching this whole thing from the corner)

Bain: "Alright, Max. C'mon. Bring 'em. I know you're standing back there like a virgin on prom night waiting to do this, so come on. Who you got, Mr. Wongburger? Stretch? Why don't you send down that monkey Onslaught and we can all go looking for One-Eyed Willie together. That'd be fun, wouldn't it? Mike, you want to help us look for One-Eyed Willie? C'mon, Max. I only hope your boy Pat can play the piano or we're--- oh, here they come.."

(Onslaught is the first one through the curtain, followed by the rest of Johnny Bane's Sickos INC partners. The Lords of Doom all leap over the guardrail behind Bain and slide in the ring, led by Vermin, presenting a united front. Bain just shakes his head as the Sickos INC charge is suddenly halted on the ramp)

Bain: "Oh come on, guys. You're not really going to stop just because it's EVEN now, are you? Come on. Where's your sense of adventure? Hey, Onslaught.... if you come on down here, I'll find you some... ROCKY.. ROAD? HEH-HEH!"

(Onslaught charges down the rest of the ramp and slides in the ring, followed by his allies. Bain tosses the mic away as Swanson makes a quick exit. Onslaught never made it to his feet, still feeling the aftereffects of what Idol did earlier. The LoD briefly beat him as a group and then turn on the others who were entering the ring)

JB: "It's on here--- wait, what? No, don't cut this off, let it go five more minutes!"

BH: "We're out of time, Jim!"

JB: "COME ON, Celebrity Log Rolling can wait! Don't shut us off! Don----------"