EFW Saturday Night Mayhem
The Pond
Anahiem, California
(The fireworks erupt in the Rupp Arena as the live EFW crowd explodes with cheers for the beginning of EFW Mayhem. The camera pans around the arena, zooming in on various fans and signs. One row of fans are holding a huge "We Smell What the Nomad Is Cookin'!" banner. In the front row a fan is pointing out her "Nike's Sick and Sexy" T-shirt, telling the camera that they're #1. In the cheap seats a huge sign is held up reading, "Give Humphrey a Title Shot!". The camera changes shots to the EFW announce table at ringside where Sam Michaels and "Odd" Abe (wearing a navy blue smoking jacket and a pink derby hat and green flamingo sunglasses)
SAM: Good evening everyone and welcome to MAYHEM! It's Saturday Night and the Rupp Arena is filled to it's capacity for LIVE EFW action! I'm Sam Michaels, and to my right is "Odd" Abe….
ABE: The Living Legend, the man who tells it like it is, and trend setter extraordinaire! The pleasure is all yours!
SAM: Together again, eh Abe? It's been a long time since we've sat in these chairs calling the action.
ABE: Since I'VE called the action, you mean. All you ever did was whine and cry when your favorite little "heroes" got punked out while I called the matches right down the middle! All I can say is BE A MAN and please TRY to stay objective!
SAM: Yeah, you're the pillar of fairness, Abe. What a blockbuster we have for you tonight, fans. Let's look at the card from top to bottom:
MAIN EVENT
4-WAY ELIMINATION WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH
S & S Express (c) v. Nomad/Nightmare v. Nike's Sick & Sexy v. The Warhounds
LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT TOURNAMENT, ROUND 1
Ring Lord v. The Angel
El Torro Rojo v. Humphrey
Destructo v. Exodus
Bo Abobo v. "Bullet" Steve Redmon
SAM: What a main event! This tag team situation is volatile to say the least! With these 4 teams involved, we could see new champions crowned tonight!
ABE: We WILL see new champs tonight, you mean! Those wimps Savage and Scorpion were practically HANDED the titles, and the Warhounds showed the world just how pathetic our "so-called" champions really are at Chance of a Lifetime! Throw in the fact that my favorite team, Nike's Sick and Sexy ™, are in there and you have to agree that there is NO WAY the S & S Express are walking away from this match!
SAM: With the belts, you mean?
ABE: No, I mean walk out PERIOD.
SAM: Don't forget the 4th team in that match, Nomad and Nightmare! Two former World Champions that made it to the finals of the Tag Team Tournament and have proven time and time again that just when you think they're down….
ABE: (pantomimes playing a violin) Blah, blah, blah! "They'll do it! My heroes HAVE to win! They're the GOOD guys!" Pardon me while I vomit into my mug!
SAM: Anyway, fans, let's go to the ring for the singing of our National Anthem!
(A young, bright looking boy in a boy scout uniform steps into the ring to sing the National Anthem. The crowd stands in readiness when, suddenly, instead of the Anthem, 'Crazy Train' begins playing out of the loud speakers)
ABE: I've never heard THIS version of the National Anthem before…
SAM: It's NOT, you moron.
ABE: Well I… HEY! This is 'Crazy Train'! Ozzy, Ozzy!
SAM: Wait a minute, who's that running out… I think that's…. IT IS!! IT'S JOE BRONIE!!
ABE: Who?!
(The camera zooms in on the entrance to show that former EFW wrestler "The Immortal" Joe Bronie is running to the ring. He is wearing Ultimate Warrior style tights and make-up. He slides into the ring and attempts to shake the ring ropes, but ends up slingshotting himself backwards to the middle of the ring, much to the amusement of the crowd. He makes a meager attempt at pounding his chest and yelling, but hurts his chest in the process. He snatches the microphone from the boy scout, drawing boos from the fans)
BRONIE: That's right, I'm back! I've been sitting at home for months now, trying to figure out where the HWO went wrong, never able to come up with an answer! But I have discovered there is a light at the end of the tunnel! I realize now that following the path of the Immortal Hulkster was not the way for me! So I looked to my other hero, the only man to cleanly pin Hulk Hogan, and have risen from the ashes to become …. "THE ULTIMATE" JOE BRONIE!!!
ABE: The Ultimate Jabrone?
SAM: Will someone PLEASE come out and get this poor kid out of the ring? He needs professional help!
BRONIE: But for some crazy reason, the EFW bookers have not answered my calls, my faxes, pages, e-mails, smoke signals, or psychic messages! So I am FORCED to come out here and issue a challenge! As the greatest up and coming star in wrestling today, I challenge ANYONE in that locker room to be a man and come out here and face me in a match!
(He pushes the ring announcer out of his way and seats himself on the top turnbuckle, waiting)
SAM: Where's security? Where are the EFW officials?
ABE: Where are the men with the nets and straight jacket?!
(Unfamiliar music begins playing over the loud speaker and Joe quickly jumps down from the turnbuckle and waves whoever it is on to the ring. A huge man with thick hair and a beard steps through the curtains and walks to the ring with purpose)
SAM: That's Big Brandon McBastard! He hasn't even had his first official match in the EFW yet!
ABE: WHO?!? I want to know how the HELL you know all these people! Someone get my assistant on the phone, I should KNOW this stuff…
SAM: I'll tell you who he is, he's a 6'8, 317 lb. man who's crossed from federation to federation before finally arriving here in the EFW. He's been in the EFW gym warming up for his debut for a couple of weeks now. There's a Ref running to the ring! President Walters is going to allow this match to happen! Fans, we have a bonus match tonight! Big Brandon McBastard is answering the challenge of Joe Bronie right here, right now!
(McBastard climbs into the ring and immediately Joe Bronie gets in his face. The Ref calls for the opening bell but the two men have already started)
Big Brandon McBastard vs "The Ultimate" Joe Bronie
SAM: Hard to believe this is happening folks, but we're going to call it as best we can. Joe goes right to the arm, wrenching it with an Arm tie up into a Wristlock… McBastard punches his way out of it. Bronie goes for a headlock… reversed into a back suplex by McBastard! Joe BODY SLAMS the big man! What a…. McBastard is up! He slams Joe HARD with a High Angle Body Slam! Joe is holding his back after that one! McBastard is on him now, beating on him with lefts and rights! He picks him up… Bronie measures him with a punch but it has little to no effect… McBastard with a Head-Butt. He drops to beat on him some more but Joe grabs the ropes. As The Referee forces McBastard back Joe moves in and gets a cheap punch in. Joe with a series of punches now… left, left, left, and a roundhouse right! Joe is just choking him now! There's a stomp! McBastard pushes him down into Piledriver position… Bronie reverses it, sending McBastard to the floor! McBastard recovers and gets back in the ring quicker than most folk would… Joe tries another wristlock… McBastard lariats him HARD, flipping him over!
ABE: Good grief, he decapitated him with that one!
SAM: McBastard rears back and kicks the downed Joe Bronie in the face. He LOVES to do that. He's got him up now, goes behind… FULL NELSON SLAM! What power from this newcomer! He's locking on a Texas Cloverleaf! Joe is Refusing to give up! McBastard suddenly looks confused… he's letting go? He had him in the center of the ring! What is he doing?
ABE: It looks like he's enjoying a nice long conversation with himself… you know, NORMAL stuff… for the EFW anyway.
SAM: Joe is going back to the arm… third time's the charm… NOT THIS TIME as McBastard grabs him by the throat and Chokeslams him with one hand! MCBASTARD CLIMBS THE TOP ROPE!!!
ABE: How can the ropes support him?!?
SAM: He's perched, waiting on Joe to get up… DOUBLE AX HANDLE!! What impact! He picks up Bronie's leg and presses his foot into his head… Standing Half-crab! He laughs as he stretches Joe in ways not intended by nature! Bronie grabs the ropes and The Ref breaks the hold. McBastard appears to be talking to himself again…
ABE: And ANSWERING himself… this guy isn't all there…
SAM: Joe with a Body Slam on McBastard! Give the kid credit, he's still in this thing! He stomps him in the chest… cover! McBastard kicks out before even a 1! McBastard lunges with a punch but Joe ducks it and measures him with one of his own! Chokehold! The Ref is admonishing Joe… McBastard breaks it… he's setting him up for a Piledriver… no, a Powerbomb…. RUNNING POWERBOMB for the pin…. It's in the ropes! Joe rushes at him and goes back to the choke. Both men back up… Joe with a series of punches… left, left, left, and a big right! Joe's running in place now and growling… guess he's supposed to be the Ultimate Warrior doing that… he slams McBastard again and goes for the pin… McBastard powers out! Joe is still down… BIG SPLASH ACROSS THE BACK! That knocked the breath out of Joe!
ABE: Shouldn't that Jim kid have done that? That WAS the Warrior's big move….
SAM: It's "Joe", and I don't think he weighs enough to do any damage with that… McBastard says something to himself… it's something he likes I think because he's got a huge grin on his face… uh-oh, I think this is one of his signatures coming up… he lifts him up… POWER BOMB… he holds on and lifts him up for ANOTHER Powerbomb… he STILL holds on and lifts him up… he finishes it with a Diamond Cutter! That was one of the variations of the Big Bastard Bomber, the Triple B! He's locking on that Standing Half-Crab again… Joe Bronie is OUT! Ref rings the bell!
RESULT:
BBMB d. Bronie via submission at 8:47
SAM: What a way to start the show! Quite a debut for Big Brandon McBastard.
ABE: You're going to have to interview that guy, Sam, find out what his deal is.
SAM: Or YOU could…
ABE: Are you kidding? I'm not going anywhere NEAR that nut!
SAM: Now, fans, we're going to continue with our program as originally scheduled, we can only hope there are no more interruptions. Let's go to Larry Wunarrme for the ring introductions!
Bo Abobo vs "Bullet" Steve Redmon
LARRY: Ladies and gentlemen, the next contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, ('Iron Man' hits the loud speakers, drawing mild boos from the crowd) weighing in at 220 lbs. and hailing from Concord, CA… "BULLET" Steve Redmon!
(Redmon steps through the curtain and walks to the ring, jawing with fans on the way to the ring. He points to a fan's sign that reads "Redmon deserves a Title Shot!" before continuing on to the ring. He slides in under the bottom rope and paces the ring)
LARRY: And his opponent… ('Cemetery Gates' hits the speakers and a mixture of Boos and Cheers erupts from the fans) weighing in at 220 lbs. and hailing form Somewhere in Time… representing the Sickos on Parade… BO ABOBO!
SAM: Bo's not wasting any time here, he rushes the ring and goes right after Redmon! He's not even stopping to take off his tool belt!
ABE: Did you hear those introductions? Redmon even copies Bo's WEIGHT!
SAM: That is a strange coincidence. Bo measures him with a hard punch! Redmon answers with a snapmare…Body Slam by Redmon. Bo with a Snap mare! Back and forth action here folks! They're punching back and forth… Bo with a Body Slam… he's pulled a SCREWDRIVER out of his tool belt… he's stabbing Redmon in the head with it! Bo holds it up high for the crowd to see! He's got some of the fans CHEERING for that!
ABE: At least there are SOME fans out there with some taste!
SAM: Redmon in desperation Irish Whips Bo into the turnbuckle… forearm to the back sends Bo down to one knee. Body Slam by Redmon! He's got Bo back up… he gets in two Stomach Punches before Bo can push him away. Another slam by Redmon… he measures Bo with a Fist Drop! Bo quickly Snap Mare's him to the mat and holds him in position… he's got CHISEL and is grinding it on Redmon's head! This goes from classic wrestling to pure brutality at random! Redmon is busted open! The Ref forces himself in between the two and takes the chisel away from Bo. Maybe we can get back to the WRESTLING match now…
ABE: Hey, you can't do that to a Sicko!
SAM: Well he just did…. Bo's got The Ref in a rear waistlock! He's not going too… THROWING GERMAN BO-PLEX!!! The Referee is down! Redmon is up and kicks Bo in the gut… Vertical Suplex puts Bo down! Redmon yells down at Bo as he lays in a couple of stomps. He picks him up.. Bo with a quick Go Behind… he spins and connects with a Heel Kick to the jaw! Who knew Bo could pull THAT move off? Bo throws a Punch, Redmon ducks, he turns around…. THROWING BELLY TO BELLY BO-PLEX!!! The Sicko fans are going NUTS! Bo is digging in his belt, what has he… it's a TAPE MEASURE! He's choking Redmon with it!! Bo lifts him to his feet and lands a solid right hand to the jaw… there's the DDT! Bo chokes him with the tape measure some more… Redmon with a punch to the gut, now a Punch to the face… Swinging Neckbreaker buys him some breathing time. He viciously stomps Bo while he's downed. He's got the tape measure… he's going to use it on Bo… he throws it out of the ring? Oh, I see, he "doesn't need it"… I should like this guy for not using a weapon, but why don't I?
ABE: You're just hooked by that cuddly Bo Abobo charm, Sam.
SAM: No that's not it… oh well. Atomic Knee Buster on Bo! Redmon's signaling for the Figure Four… wait, he changes his mind… he's going for another Knee Breaker… Bo reverses with a Go Behind… DOUBLE GERMAN BO-PLEX!! Redmon rolls back after that 2nd one… you can see his eyes… the lights are on but nobody's home! He collapses back to the mat! Bo moves to attack but The Ref is backing him away and checks Redmon… he's out! The Ref raises Bo's hand!
RESULT:
Abobo d. Redmon via CRITICAL! at 4:40
SAM: What a match-up! One has to wonder if anything was settled there, Abe.
ABE: After getting Bo-plexed so hard that he's shrunk by 2 inches, I think Mr. Redmon ought to LEAVE it unsettled!
SAM: What is it with you and the Sickos?
ABE: They do what they want, WHEN they want… and they're not Canadian.
SAM: The opinions and suggestions of "Odd" Abe are his and his alone, folks. It's time for our next bout, let's go down to the ring for introductions.
El Torro Rojo vs Humphrey
Light Heavyweight Tournament, Round 1
LARRY: Our next contest of the evening is part of the first round of the EFW Light Heavyweight Championship Tournament, and it is scheduled for one fall. Coming down the aisle, weighing in at 224 lbs. and hailing from Parts Unknown… EL TORRO ROJO!
SAM: This is El Torro Rojo's first EFW match. We don't know a whole lot about him other than he's well schooled in submissions and his finishing move is a Reverse Death Valley Driver he calls "The Charging Bull".
ABE: And he wears a red mask!
SAM: Oh, VERY GOOD Abe, did you find that out by LOOKING at the guy?
ABE: Yep! I'm not the best play by play man in the business for nothing, y'know!
SAM: There's no point arguing with you there… sigh…
LARRY: And his opponent, being led down the aisle by Weehawk, weighing in at 185 lbs. and hailing from Outer Mongolia… he represents the Sickos on Parade… HUMPHREY!!
(Weehawk has Humphrey on a leash and is trying to keep him from jumping over the guardrail into the crowd. He finally has to pick Humphrey up and carry him to the ring and toss him inside himself)
SAM: The Referee calls for the opening bell and we're underway. El Torro Rojo doesn't know what to make of Humphrey.
ABE: Sam, WE don't know what to make of Humphrey.
SAM: Also a good point. Humphrey is distracted by something… he's mauling The Referee! What… he pulled a candy bar out of The Ref's pockets and is attacking it, ripping off the wrapper! Has he forgotten he's in a match? Torro not wasting any time and sneaks up on Humphrey… he grapevines the leg and rolls into a Reverse knee crucifix! Humphrey spits out the candy bar and starts screaming! The Ref is asking him if he wants to give up… I don't think he knows HOW to give up! Weehawk is screaming at him!
WEEHAWK: WORLD TITLE, Hump! WORLD TITLE!!
SAM: That seems to have had an effect on him… he's trying to fight his way out of the hold… he's trying to get leverage by climbing the leg of the Ref… it's not working… he's pulled the Ref's shoe off… he beaned Torro with it! That breaks the hold, but Hump is rolling around holding his leg, that can't be good. Torro gets up slowly after the shot as Humphrey is working out the kinks in his leg. Torro tries to go back after the leg but Humphrey traps him… GIANT HEAD-BUTT! That stunned the masked man! Humphrey limps a little bit as he moves in… BACK BRAIN KICK levels Torro! Humphrey still trying to get that leg moving right, but clearly on the offensive here. Humphrey with a vicious Mongolian Chop! He's looking to Weehawk, who's motioning for him to keep it up. Humphrey runs to the ropes… Flying Cross Chop! Humphrey on a surprising roll here. He's slapping his belly… I guess he's hungry… that's all the break Torro needed as he kicks Humphrey's knee out from under him. He's dropping repeated knees into Humphrey's injured knee now. Torro doing a good job focusing on the knee, one of the oldest strategies in the world is to pick a body part and tear into it.
ABE: Yeah, kind of like that match I had in the '64 Olympics where I ripped that guy's arm off and beat him with it.
SAM: I thought you said you were in the '67 Olympics?
ABE: I won both years.
SAM: Right… Torro hooking on a Crucifix Knee Lock now… Humphrey is wailing, my God he doesn't sound Human!
ABE: We don't know WHAT he is under that mask.
SAM: Humphrey isn't giving up, he's trying to break the hold himself… somehow, some way the Sickos have got to teach this kid… I guess he's a kid… how to go for the ropes, what a submission is.. SOMETHING. Weehawk is talking him over… smart thinking, Humphrey moves over to the ropes to get to him and the hold is broken. Torro grabs the leg and drags him back out to the center and starts stomping at the knee viciously. He's going to lock on another kneelock… Humphrey kicks him in the groin! That's going to buy him some time. Humphrey reaches into his tights.. he's got that bone, or tool, whatever it is… he's beating his own knee with it, what the hell?
ABE: He's trying to get the feeling back in that knee. It's amazing, he's being stupid AND smart at the same time!
SAM: Torro back to his feet but Humphrey has already got him measured for something… Karate Kick! Torro is down and Humphrey is jumping around excitedly! Humphrey pulls out that bone/tool thing again and walks over to the stunned Torro… OUTLAW CHOKE!! He's paying homage to his hero the Amazon! The Ref laying the count on him… he better be careful… Hump casually puts it back in his tights in front of The Ref and shakes his head and waves his hands.
ABE: I love it! Playing innocent even though he did it right in front of The Ref!
SAM: He's going behind him now with a waistlock… Back Drop! He dropped Torro right on his head! Humphrey getting excited now, Weehawk is trying to keep him calm. Humphrey picks him up… BACK BREAKER! He goes for the cover… 1… 2… Torro kicks out! Humphrey not happy about that one but he continues the attack with a Jumping Spin Kick to the jaw. Humphrey's climbing the top rope!
ABE: What the hell???
SAM: FLYING DOUBLE KNEE DROP!!! What a maneuver by the littlest Sicko! He goes for the pin… 1…. 2… 2 ¼ !! That was close! Humphrey's setting up for the Iron Claw! He's got it locked on! Torro has nowhere to go… he's dropping… he's dropping… TORRO REVERSES IT INTO A BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX!!! Both men are down and The Ref is counting! Desperation maneuver from El Torro Rojo saved his chances in this match! Humphrey is starting to rise up, but Torro has caught his 2nd wind! He grabs Humphrey and Belly to Belly Suplexes him again, sending him halfway across the ring!! Torro cheers to the crowd and moves in for the kill! He's setting him up for the Reverse DVD he calls "The Charging Bull"!!
ABE: What?!? He's stealing Weehawk's finisher!!
SAM: He doesn't OWN the thing, it's not like he made it up! He doesn't look happy about it though… Humphrey slips out of the move and waist locks Torro… Go Behind by Torro… GERMAN SUPLEX with a bridge! 1…. 2…. 3!! He pinned Humphrey! El Torro Rojo advances to the 2nd round! Wait a minute, Weehawk is in the ring and grabbing Torro! He's got him up for the Last Cup O' Sorrow, HIS version of the Reverse DVD!! He drops Torro on his head! Torro's hurt!! Humphrey is devastated that he lost again... oh, but Weehawk is over to console him, what a GENTLE soul he is... this is sickening. Someone get some help out there for El Torro Rojo!
ABE: Hey, I told you: NOBODY steals Weehawk's move! NOBDODY!
RESULT:
El Torro Rojo d. Humphrey at 13:56 via pinfall
Destructo vs Exodus
(The camera switches to the backstage area where Destructo is making his way to the ring. He looks at the camera and snarls)
SAM: Destructo is intense! He looks more than ready to avenge his elimination from Chance of a Lifetime!
ABE: I would hope so! Can you even IMAGINE the embarrassment of being thrown out by a guy who doesn't even reach your kneecaps?
SAM: Don't sell Exodus short. He didn't ask for this match, but isn't going to back down from anyone! He has a tall mountain to climb though… wait, what's that going on behind Destructo?
Out of the shadows runs "the ICON" Rick Idol. He is in street clothes and carrying a 2X4. Before anyone can warn Destructo, Idol brings the lumber crashing down across his back.
SAM: GOOD LORD! What is wrong with Idol? He's not even supposed to be here tonight! He's swinging again… he's got Destructo down to a knee… someone get that thing away from him! HE JUST BROKE IT OVER HIS HEAD! The force of that blow snapped the 2X4 in half right across Destructo's neck! Finally Security has arrived and is pulling Idol off of him! What a heinous act!
(The camera zooms in on Idol as medics arrive to look at the downed Destructo)
IDOL: THAT'S ONE MORE NOMAD!!! You're running out of shields, boy! Hahahahahaha!!! Get your hands off of me!
SAM: He's nuts! Rick Idol has been driven over the deep end because of this situation with Nomad! How many more people have to get hurt? When is it going to be enough?!?
ABE: I'll tell you when! When there's no one left for that chicken-hearted Nomad to hide behind!
SAM: That's a load of crap! Idol just wants to hurt Nomad in every way possible! Well folks, 'Warrior of Virtue' is playing, that means Exodus is about to make his entrance. Let's go down to the ring, but I don't think we're going to have a match here…
ABE: Yeah, it would be just like Destructo to use this as an excuse to chicken out of a fight…
SAM: Hey, Abe, my cousin's going to be in town and I don't have room at my house, can she stay in your head? Lord knows there's plenty of room up there!
ABE: HEY!
LARRY: Ladies and gentlemen, this next bout is scheduled for one fall. Coming down to the ring at this time, weighing in at 180 lbs. and hailing from Tokyo, Japan… EXODUS!
(Exodus runs to the ring as the fans cheer. He is wearing a New Japan "Young Lions" shirt and a black armband. He leaps over the ropes and asks for a microphone)
EXODUS: Look, I'm sorry folks, but there's not going to be a match here. I can't take on a guy who just got attacked like Destructo did. We're going to have to reschedule this thing…
'Highway to the Dangerzone' hits the speakers and the fans rise to their feet. The curtains part and Destructo storms through, shoving aside paramedics trying to hold him back)
SAM: What?! Destructo is on his way to the ring! Rick Idol didn't get the job done! What intestinal fortitude to recover from an attack like that so quickly! His eyes are burning a hole in Exodus right now!
ABE: You know, Sam, it isn't healthy to kiss that much @$$ in one sitting.
SAM: Will you stop it? Exodus approaches Destructo, I think he's trying to talk some reason to him. Destructo is shaking his head. Exodus shrugs and offers his hand… Destructo is accepting the handshake… NO! He short arm clotheslines him down to the mat! Destructo didn't come here to make friends, he came to fight!
ABE: After that cowardly sneak attack he used to eliminate Destructo, what did you expect?
SAM: It was an ACCIDENT, Abe! You know what an accident is, right, like what happened the night you were conceived? Destructo lets out a roar to the crowd and the Vigilante fans are on their feet! He picks up Exodus… puts him down hard with a High Angle Body Slam! He's at the legs now… HEAD-BUTT TO THE GROIN!
ABE: There won't be any Exodus, Jr.'s after that one!
SAM: Destructo is enraged in there! He's got Exodus up again… ooh, he's just kneeing him in the face now. Exodus has been thrown totally off his game here. He turns in a daze… Destructo knocks him down with a clothesline! Destructo lets out another roar and runs for the ropes… Big Splash… IT MISSED! Exodus rolled out of the way! Destructo jumps back to his feet but Exodus is up as well! Destructo misses a clothesline… Exodus hits a super kick that staggers the big man! Destructo turns back around… High Drop Kick by Exodus knocks Destructo into the ropes… he bounces back… FRANKENSTEINER!!! What leg strength by Exodus to get Destructo over like that! Exodus goes for the pin… only a 1 count! Destructo practically THREW Exodus off of him! Destructo is up and seeing red!
ABE: I blame that make-up job…
SAM: I'm not listening to you. Destructo misses a punch, another Drop Kick from Exodus. What's Exodus doing trying to grapple… BODYSLAM!!! Exodus somehow managed to slam Destructo!
ABE: Holy cow!
SAM: Exodus waits for him to get up… he runs off the ropes… Flying Clothesline… he's caught! MILITARY PRESS SLAM on Exodus! Destructo is taking a moment to catch a breather! He's as surprised as the rest of us at Exodus' performance! He Irish Whips Exodus … HIGH FRONT KICK to the jaw sends Exodus flying backwards to the mat on his back! Destructo is just stomping him now… he's picking up a leg… STANDING half-crab… he's just stretching Exodus all over the place there! Exodus grabs the bottom rope and he's forced to break the hold. He's lifting Exodus up for another Press Slam… Exodus slips out behind his back! NAGAYO DRIVER by Exodus, his version of the Northern Lights Bomb! Where is Exodus finding the strength to lift Destructo? Both men down now and The Ref is laying down the count…. Both men slowly getting to their feet… Exodus hits a running neckbreaker, putting Destructo on his back. The crowd is going wild cheering for this match of David v. Goliath!
ABE: Huh? Is Destructo changing his name? I thought Exodus was named "Sho" or something…
SAM: Don't strain yourself, Abe. Exodus runs off the ropes.. Somersault Senton Splash on Destructo… into a STANDING MOONSAULT! Ref drops to make the count…. 2 ½, 2 ½ !!! That was close! Destructo with a toe kick… he's going for a suplex… blocked… CRESCENT MOON DRIVER, what a FALCON ARROW by Exodus! The Ref drops to make the count…. 3!!! 3!!!… no wait! The Ref says he got the shoulder up! This crowd was on their feet! Can Exodus do it? Can he pull off the upset? Exodus is climbing the turnbuckle!! Stardust Press!!! He calls it the "Aurora Revolution"… DESTRUCTO BRINGS THE KNEES UP!! Exodus hit HARD and is paying the price for that high-risk move! Destructo is up! There's not a single person sitting down in this arena!
ABE: Destructo is PI$$ED! I hope Exodus has his insurance paid up!
SAM: Destructo roars to the crowd… there's the signal! He's going for the Iron Maiden!
ABE: That'll snap the kid in half!
SAM: He's got Exodus up… he's lifting him… THERE IT IS, the Iron Maiden… EXODUS SLIPS OUT OF IT!!! He's locked on a Headlock…. He's pointing at the turnbuckle! What is he… he RUNS UP THE TURNBUCKLE…. BULLDOG… NO! Destructo is HOLDING him, Exodus doesn't have enough momentum! Destructo is going to toss this young kid to the outside…. EXODUS FLIPS BACK… SPINS AROUND… TORNADO REVERSE DDT!!! Exodus hooks on a jackknife pin! 1….. 2….. 3!!!!! Destructo kicked out too late! Exodus just pinned the former EFW World Champion, Destructo!!! Destructo is in shock! What an upset!
RESULT:
Exodus d. Destructo via pinfall at 8:09
(Note: I've never saw Destructo get manhandled until I saw this match. Not even Vermin has done what Exo did to him)
SAM: The Ref is raising Exodus' hand in victory, this is the biggest moment in his career! DESTRUCTO ATTACKS THEM BOTH FROM BEHIND!! He's got the Ref in a Military Press… he dropped him OVER the top rope to the floor! Exodus slowly rises to his feet… Destructo has him in the Iron Maiden!
ABE: Hahahaha!!! I didn't think Destructo had it in him! I don't think he's going to let him go!
SAM: What is wrong with Destructo? There will be other matches, other days… now he's lifting Exodus over his head… HE DROPS HIM ACROSS HIS KNEE WITH A BACK BREAKER!!!! At least he's released the hold, thank God, but the damage is done.
ABE: Au Contraire, I do believe the damage is just beginning!
SAM: What? Destructo is grabbing a CHAIR! Come on Destructo, enough is enough! You have nothing to prove here! GOOD GOD he just SMACKED Exodus across the back with that chair! ANOTHER one! Somebody stop this before he permanently injures this kid! ANOTHER IRON MAIDEN!! Security, ANYBODY, come down and help Exodus! He doesn't deserve this… NOBODY deserves this! Wait, what's that music? 'Esaka '99' is playing… HERE COMES KYOSUKE IMORI! He hits the ring and goes after Destructo… he runs into a Big Boot!
ABE: Amazing! He actually kept Exodus in the Maiden while he booted Imori to the mat… and he's STOMPING him! This is great!
SAM: 'Highway to the Dangerzone' is playing, but Exodus is the winner here folks… NO! It's NOMAD! Nomad is running to the ring at full speed!!!
ABE: Dammit, just when this was getting good…
SAM: Destructo is standing on Imori's groin while maintaining that Iron Maiden! Nomad is in the ring pleading with the big man to stop this insanity! He's dropping Exodus, he's come to his senses… HE SHOVES NOMAD! What the Hell? Nomad with a shove of his own, this is going to come to blows! Look at the rage in Destructo's eyes! Destructo is backing off finally… he's leaving the ring. Here comes Paul Savage and Scorpion down the aisle… they exchange confused looks with the indifference of Destructo's. Nomad is checking on Exodus, who hasn't moved since being released from the Iron Maiden. Imori is up and irate, and who can blame him? Savage and Scorpion are in the ring now and helping with Exodus. Nomad casts a confused glance at the departing Destructo, who doesn't even look back. The crowd is booing what they've seen here.
(The camera switches to the lockerroom where the Sickos are watching a TV monitor. They're all laughing uncontrollably as Destructo walks the aisle to the back)
SAM: The paramedics are in the ring… Exodus is conscious but they aren't letting him move just yet. They're carefully placing him on the stretcher… the Lexington fans are standing and applauding Exodus as the Vigilantes and Imori accompany the stretcher to the back. This is a tragedy, folks. What was supposed to be the biggest moment in Exodus' life has turned into a possible career-ending situation! I mean, I'm in shock! What can Destructo say, what POSSIBLE excuse could he give for what he did out there? I don't know what to expect next!
ABE: You can expect Nike's Sick and Sexy ™ to walk out with the World Tag Team Championship, that's what you can expect!
SAM: After what we've just witnessed, nothing would surprise me right now. Let's go down to Larry for the next match-up.
"Ring Lord" Gan Wuyin v. The Angel
Light Heavyweight Tournament, Round 1
LARRY: Ladies and gentlemen… the next contest is the FINAL match in the first round of the EFW Light Heavyweight Championship Tournament, and it is scheduled for one fall! ('Metal Militia' starts playing) Coming to the ring at this time, weighing in at 201 lbs. and hailing from Tokyo, Japan… he represents Team Hellfire… "RING LORD" Gan Wuyin!!
(The masked man steps through the curtains and makes his way to the ring. He steps through the ropes and goes to his corner and waits)
LARRY: And his opponent… ('Engel' hits the speakers and The Angel makes her way to the ring) weighing in at 120 lbs. and hailing from Parts Unknown… she represents the Inquisition… THE ANGEL!
(The Angel steps into the ring, looking her opponent over coldly)
SAM: There's the opening bell and we're underway. This is the EFW in-ring debut for both of these competitors, so this match should be interesting to say the least.
ABE: Angel has some nice curves on her…
SAM: You'd better not let Deathblow hear you talk like that.
ABE: Deathblow?!? Where??
SAM: Angel and Ring Lord are stalking each other, sizing the other up. Angel with an Axe Kick… Ring Lord ducks… he's got her by the shoulders… machine gun knees to the stomach… he holds on to her as she drops… Gut Wrench Suplex! What a maneuver! She's back up in a hurry… Ring Lord with a Drop Toehold. Angel with an Arm Drag… Ring Lord is up… right into a Dragon Screw by Angel! Fast paced in the early going. Ring Lord is up again and takes her down with a Judo Trip… Somersault Senton Splash! She's back up again… Ring Lord grabs her… Throwing Belly to Belly Suplex!
ABE: I can't follow them at all, it's a blur… you're making this stuff up, aren't you?
SAM: It helps if you pay attention, Abe. Ring Lord attempts another Somersault Senton… Angel moves out of the way! She quickly drops a knee across the back of Ring Lord. Ring Lord is back up quickly… Angel tries a strike… he catches her arm and twists it into a wristlock, another twist and he takes her down to the mat. He lifts her up and throws a punch… blocked! Angel with a Leg Trip Takedown. Ring Lord is up on his feet like a cat… Throwing Belly to Belly Suplex! Ring Lord is in control of this match! I spoke too soon… Angel with a Dragon Screw and a quick Knee Drop. She picks him up… Leg Trip Takedown… she holds onto the leg and performs a Tiger Leg Spin. She picks him up… he surprises her with a Standing Victory Roll… The Ref drops to make the count… 1… 2… KICK OUT! The Angel throws a quick sidekick as they rise… Ring Lord catches the leg… Dragon Screw! Ring Lord runs to the ropes… Angel follows him in and hits him with a Flying Clothesline! Ring Lord sits up… Angel with Low Drop Kick to the head! He's up but she Arm Drags him back down! She runs off the ropes… did you see the elevation on that Knee Drop? She throws a sidekick… Ring Lord catches the leg…ANGEL WITH THE ENZUI-GIRI!
ABE: This girl kicks @$$!
SAM: I wouldn't call her a "girl" Abe, she might take offense. She stands him back up… two quick sidekicks … and there's a High Kick that nearly decapitates Ring Lord! This Angel is deadly with those kicks. She Drops an Elbow across the knee and quickly goes for a Jado Clutch…. 1… 2… kick out! She throws a High Kick… MISSED! Ring Lord with a quick Victory Roll… 1… 2… KICK OUT! These two are throwing everything they've got at each other! Ring Lord with a Swinging Neckbreaker! He picks her up… Go Behind… Tiger Suplex '85 with a bridge for the pin… The Ref says it's in the ropes! Ring Lord runs to the ropes… HURRACANRANA!!! The Ref drops to count… 1… 2… 3!! NO!!! She got her shoulder up at the last second!
ABE: How are you following all of this?!?
SAM: Angel misses with an Axe Kick… Ring Lord misses a Spinning Back Fist… Angel misses the High Kick… Ring Lord has her hooked… MACHINE SUPLEX! 1… 2… ANGEL GETS THE SHOULDER UP!!! That was an inch away from being a 3 count! Angel grabs Ring Lord… THE ANGEL'S CHOIR!!! Her version of the Michinoku Driver… 1… 2… RING LORD GRABBED THE BOTTOM ROPE!!! How many near falls are we going to see in this thing?
ABE: I haven't seen ANY!
SAM: I'll run it in slow motion for you later. Angel sees her opening! Palm thrust, palm thrust, High Kick, and a Sole-butt drop Ring Lord to the ground! She's going to the ring apron… Ring Lord gets up groggily… SPRINGBOARD HURRACANRANA!!! The Ref makes the count… 1… 2… KICK OUT!! The fans are on their feet! They thought it was over for sure! Ring Lord hooks a Jumping Suplex! Standing moonsault for the cover… she's in the ropes! Angel is up quickly… BACK BRAIN SPINNING HEEL KICK!! Ring Lord falls to the mat! She picks him up for a follow up… reversal… HIGH ANGLE GERMAN SUPLEX!!! He calls it the "Ring Lord Suplex" and it's his finishing maneuver…. 1…. 2… ANGEL GRABS THE BOTTOM ROPE!! Ring Lord frustrated now… he Irish Whips her… POWERSLAM! One of his specialty maneuvers… 1… 2… FOOT ON THE ROPE!! Ring Lord with a Standing Victory Roll! 1… 2… KICK OUT! He tries the Ring Lord Suplex again… Angel elbows him off… HIGH KICK knocks him flat to the mat!! Angel taking a breather… these two have been going at 110 mph! It shows how important this tournament is to these wrestlers! She locks on a modified Dragon Sleeper… Ring Lord quickly gets to the ropes! She grabs him from behind… reversal… Angel with a Kangaroo Kick! She runs to the ropes… HIGH Knee Drop across the throat! She picks him up… she's going for the Angel's Choir… Ring Lord flips out of it and lands behind her… RING LORD SUPLEX!!! The Ref drops to make the count… Angel is fighting it… 1… 2… 3!!! Yes! He got her! Gan Wuyin advances to the 2nd Round! Listen to the applause this crowd is giving these two! What a debut for these two athletes!
RESULT:
Ring Lord d. Angel pinfall at 10:25
SAM: Whew! We need to take a breather after that one folks! Coming up next is the 4-Way Elimination Tag Match. Let's take you back and show you how this match came about.
ABE: Yeah, Joey? Run that last match back for me in slo-mo…
"WORLD TAG TEAM TOURNAMENT FINALS"
Footage is shown of Nomad and Nightmare being narrowly defeated by Messiah and Scarface in the finals of the World Tag Team Tournament.
"TAG TITLE #1 CONTENDORS MATCH"
Paul Savage hits a Front Face DDT on Bane as Scorpion rams Weehawk into the guardrail. Scorpion and Savage are shown with their hands raised as the victors.
"CHAMPIONS STRIPPED OF TITLES"
Messiah and Scarface are shown in black and white with a big red "?".
"CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH"
Scorpion and Paul Savage are shown defeating William O'Grady to become the World Tag Team Champions.
"CHANCE OF A LIFETIME"
The Warhounds stand revealed. Onslaught hits the Devastator on Paul Savage from the ring apron to the floor and the Warhounds get the count out victory over the S & S Express.
"THE CHALLENGE"
Scorpion makes the challenge for a 4 Way Elimination Match for the World Tag Team Titles. Still shots of all 4 teams flash across the screen before the footage fades to black.
MAIN EVENT
S&S Express vs Nomad/Nightmare vs Nike's Sick & Sexy vs The Warhounds
SAM: Let’s go down to the ring for the introduction of the participants!
LARRY: Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for our MAIN EVENT! (the crowd goes nuts) The following match is a 4-Way Tag Team Elimination Match…. And it is for the EFW WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP!
(‘South of Heaven’ comes out of the loud speakers, drawing both boos and cheers from the crowd. The Warhounds storm through the curtains and march to the ring with purpose. Onslaught stops to grab a Nomad sign out of the crowd and rip it to pieces)
LARRY: Coming down the aisle… representing the Pantheon… Onslaught and the Widowmaker, they are THE WARHOUNDS!
(The Warhounds step through the ropes and stand in the center of the ring, arms crossed and waiting. ‘In the Hall of the Mountain King’ starts playing and the ladies in the crowd start screeching “Bane!” in unison. Sick and Sexy step through the curtains and the women begin yelling even louder as the men boo. Weehawk’s bag is slung over his shoulder as he walks to the ring, staring a hole in the Warhounds. Bane stops to let the women in the front row feel his chest)
LARRY: The 2nd team…. They represent the Sickos on Parade…. Bane and Weehawk… Sick and Sex….. (Bane grabs him by the shirt and whispers something into his ear) My apologies ladies and gentlemen. They are Sick and Sexy, sponsored by NIKE!
(Weehawk reaches into his bag and hands a shoe box to Bane, who holds it up for the crowd to see. “The Bane Crosstrainer” is written on the side. His posing is short-lived, however, as he becomes all business when ‘Highway to the Danger Zone’ starts blasting out of the loud speakers)
LARRY: The 3rd team in this contest…. Coming down the aisle… they are BOTH former World Heavyweight Champions…. Nomad and Nightmare!!
(The curtains part, the fans go crazy with cheers, and Nomad and Nightmare sprint to the ring at top speed. The Warhounds and Sick & Sexy position themselves for their entrance. When they reach the ring, however, they come to a sudden stop. Nomad holds Nightmare back for a second, then looks to the back and waves for someone to come on down. ‘A Million to One’ hits the speakers and the fans cheers become deafening as Scorpion and Paul Savage run down the aisle)
LARRY: And their opponents… they are the EFW World Tag Team Champions… Scorpion… Paul Savage…. The S & S Express!
SAM: Look at the intensity in the eyes of these 4 teams! Onslaught is staring a hole in Nomad, no love loss there… and the champs and challengers are in the ring, the fight is on!
ABE: What cowards these Vigilantes are! Afraid to even step in the ring unless they’ve got their buddies there to protect them!
SAM: It’s called intelligence, Abe. You should use it sometime. It’s utter chaos in there! Onslaught goes right after Nomad, they’re tearing into each other! Nightmare is going at it with Widowmaker! Scorpion and Weehawk are beating the hell out of each other! Bane appears to have gotten the best of Paul Savage with a series of vicious chops in the corner. There’s too much action to call here!
ABE: Come on, Sick & Sexy! Poppa’s got 200 bucks that say you’re walking out of here with the gold!
SAM: Can’t you be objective for even one match of your life? Savage blocks Bane and turns the tables on him! He’s pummeling Bane in the corner with rights and lefts! Left, right, left, right… and a BIG TIME round house that knocks Bane off his feet and onto the turnbuckle! Savage hooks the head…. FRONT FACE DDT from the turnbuckle! Bane is busted open!
ABE: Uh-oh… NOBODY messes with Bane’s face!
SAM: What? For once, I think you’re right, Abe! Bane is going insane at the sight of his own blood! Savage is trying to continue his offense but nothing is having any effect!
BANE: rrrrrRRRRRRAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!
SAM: He’s gone nuts! He’s chopping and kicking the hell out of Savage! Scorpion attempts to help out his partner but Weehawk catches him and floors him with a roundhouse kick to the jaw!
ABE: YES!!! Err, I mean, that was a good move…
SAM: At least you’re pretending. Weehawk is going for his bag, that’s never good. Nightmare looks like he’s going for the Final Nightmare on Widowmaker…. Onslaught catches him from behind with a forearm to the back. He’s signaling something to Widowmaker… are we going to see a doubleteam by the Warhounds? Widowmaker is going for a back suplex… uh-oh, Onslaught wraps his hands around Nightmare’s throat, this is going to be brutal… DOUBLE TEAM DEVASTATOR!! Nightmare is down! Widowmaker’s going for the cover! 1, 2… Nomad makes the save! Onslaught misses a clothesline on Nomad… Nomad catches him with a series of punches that rock the big man back. Bane is now choking Savage with the bottom rope. Oh, Savage is turning blue! The Referee can’t get him to let go! He’s going to kill Savage, somebody come down and get him off of him! Weehawk seems to have found a weapon he likes… what is that?
ABE: Well, I believe the name for it in shop class was a “blow torch”.
SAM: Oh you can’t be serious! He’s lighting it, is he insane?
ABE: YES!! Isn’t it GREAT?!
SAM: Turn around Scorpion! Before it’s too late! Scorpion is dazed, he doesn’t know what’s happening! Weehawk pulls the trigger and the flames shoot out… Scorpion ducks! THE FLAMES HIT NOMAD!! Nomad is on fire! Onslaught has him and presses him OVER HIS HEAD.. and holds him there! Oh my God, someone get an extinguisher…. ONSLAUGHT PRESS SLAMS NOMAD OVER THE TOP ROPE TO THE FLOOR!!! Security is putting the fire out, thank God! But Nomad is seriously hurt! Weehawk tries to blast Scorpion again but gets caught with a kick to the stomach. Scorpion tosses the blowtorch out of the ring…
ABE: Spoilsport….
SAM: Have you no shame? Weehawk and Scorpion continue to fight it out. Meanwhile, it looks like Vermin and Bo have run down to the ring… they’re talking to Bane… good, they’ve calmed him down a bit, but too late to help Savage, I think. Widowmaker has his bullrope out… he’s choking Nightmare with it! He’s standing him up? What…. Oh god, he’s flung him over the top rope and is HANGING him with the bullrope! What the hell is wrong with these people? Hasn’t anyone ever heard of a WRESTLING match before?!
ABE: Quit your crying and call the match! Bane is over to help Weehawk with Scorpion now… double standing sidekick drops Scorpion. They stand him up, give each other a look… TOTAL ELIMINATION! Weehawk goes the high road with a roundhouse and Bane goes low with a sweep, Scorpion is DOWN! Hahaha!! There’s your tag team champions, flat on their backs and OUT COLD!!
SAM: The champs are in serious trouble here folks. Bane and Weehawk are going over to the unconscious Paul Savage and appear to be setting him up for something. Weehawk is going for a piledriver… no, Bane is on the top rope… SPIKE PILEDRIVER!!! Paul Savage isn’t moving… Bane goes for the cover… Scorpion makes the save! How is he still going? It’s a testament to his desire to be the best! Sick & Sexy whip Scorpion to the ropes… Scorpion ducks a double clothesline… he turns the tables and clotheslines THEM over the top rope to the floor! Scorpion turns around… and walks right into the hands of Onslaught! The Monster has Scorpion by the throat and is leading him to the ring apron! Oh no, he’s not… tell me he’s not! DEVASTATOR OFF THE RING APRON TO THE FLOOR!!! Dear God what impact! Scorpion.. my God, I think Scorpion is out… I mean REALLY… his body is twitching. Onslaught goes to do more damage but The Ref stops him.. he’s checking him out…. He’s waving it, Scorpion can’t continue! The fans don’t like that call!
Onslaught eliminates Scorpion at 5:21 via CRITICAL
ABE: YES!! One down, only one to go! Hahaha!! I’m going to be RICH!
SAM: With 200 dollars? Nomad and Sick & Sexy have made their way back into the ring. Nomad is in bad shape folks, I don’t know how he’s even moving! Widowmaker has Nightmare set up for a DDT… Bane and Weehawk nail him from behind and dump him out of the ring… he lands on his FEET and slides back in the ring! He nails Bane from behind with a wicked Lariat! Weehawk doesn’t see it as he is looking through his bag for another weapon. Onslaught is back in and going after Nomad. He rocks Nomad backward with a Stonewall attack… he knocked him into Weehawk! Nomad turns and gets nailed with a thrust to the throat from Weehawk! He’s pulled something out of the bag… A BALL PEEN HAMMER! He cracks Nomad over the skull with it! Nomad is busted open! Onslaught goes after the downed Nomad… Weehawk throws the hammer at him! The big man is staggered after that shot! Weehawk reaches into his bag and finds … a beer bottle? He looks out at Bo, who simply shrugs. He SMASHED the bottle right over Onslaught’s head.. and the Monster STILL wont’ go down! Weehawk getting frustrated in there. He turns around to go for his bag… and gets LEVELED by a clothesline from Nomad! Nomad is in a rage, stomping at Weehawk! Onslaught joins him by dropping a head-butt on the prone Sicko! Wait, why are they stopping?
ABE: I think they just realized they were HELPING each other…. Yep, right back at each other’s throats! I LOVE this!
SAM: Meanwhile Widowmaker is going berserk on Bane! He’s measuring him with punches! Shades of Terry Funk as he winds up for the big punch… Bane is floored! Nightmare has recovered and is going over to help Nomad. Savage is moving! Savage is moving! He’s up … and he’s calling on Nightmare! Nightmare is hesitant… but Savage continues to wave him on! The two fan favorites lock up! Reversal by Savage! Reversal by Nightmare… Full Nelson Slam sends Savage to the mat! Savage quickly back to his feet and calling on Nightmare for more! The fans are going wild! Nightmare throws a punch, Savage blocks it - Savage throws a punch, blocked by Nightmare! Irish whip, reversal, another reversal… Nightmare cradles him down and lifts him up… Reverse tombstone piledriver! He covers Savage… 1… 2…. 3!!!! A valiant effort by Savage, but he suffered too much punishment in the early going!
Nightmare eliminates Savage at 8:55 via pinfall
ABE: Yes! What did I tell you? We are going to have NEW champions tonight! Hahaha! C’mon, Sick & Sexy!
SAM: Weehawk is in rough shape over on the opposite side of the ring after a double punch from Nomad and Onslaught. They’re concentrating on each other again, punching back and forth. Onslaught blocks a punch and catches Nomad by the throat! Are we going to see another Devastator?? NOMAD KICKS HIM IN THE GROIN!
ABE: YeeOWCH! Even HE’s gotta feel that!
SAM: Nomad has his second wind! Left punch, right punch, left, right, left, right, kiss that left and another punch… Onslaught has dropped to one knee! The fans are electric as Nomad bounces off the ropes and knocks Onslaught off his feet with a flying clothesline! Onslaught is down! Nomad is looking at the entire crowd, blood streaming down his face! He kicks Onslaught’s shoulder… he’s raising the eyebrow…
ABE: Oh, PLEASE, not this….
SAM: He’s signaling the people and this sold out Lexington crowd are on their feet! He bounces off the ropes… bounces off the other ropes… and THERE’S the Nomad’s Elbow!!!
ABE: I HATE THAT MOVE!!!!
SAM: Nomad goes for the cover! 1…. 2…. WEEHAWK BREAKS A HOCKEY STICK OVER NOMAD’S BACK!!! The fans are booing loudly as Weehawk stands over both fallen men and laughs! He tosses the broken hockey stick out to Vermin, who signs it with a marker and hands it to a couple of Sicko fans in the crowd. Meanwhile Bane looks to be in serious trouble with Widowmaker. Widowmaker is setting him up for the Texas Steer Bomb… Nightmare catches him from behind! Widowmaker is staggered back, giving Bane an opening…. BANE SUPER KICKS NIGHTMARE! What is he thinking?!?
ABE: He’s BANE! He can do anything he wants! Like this! He’s going to show Widowmaker what happens to guys who mess with his face!
SAM: Bane has Widowmaker back into the corner… BIG chop to the chest! What an impact! NO EFFECT!
ABE: WHAT?!?
SAM: Bane is too busy posing for the crowd to notice! Widowmaker kicks him in the back! He has him up on his shoulder! RUNNING POWERSLAM! Widowmaker is down in Bane’s face jawing at him now! He sees his partner in trouble and goes over to help out. Nightmare, seeing Bane down, locks on the Texas Cloverleaf! Bane is fighting it, he’s fighting it… he’s crawling toward the ropes…
ABE: Come on Bane! Grab the bottom rope! I’M BEGGING YOU, GRAB THE *(#*)*#! ROPE!!!
SAM: Watch your language, this is live TV! He’s reaching, Bane’s almost got the rope…. Nightmare drags him to the center of the ring! So close! Bane is fighting it… he’s tapping! He tapped out! Bane has been eliminated!!
ABE: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Nightmare eliminates Bane at 9:30 via submission
SAM: Weehawk is INSANE with rage! He’s looking in his bag… he doesn’t see Onslaught coming up behind him… Onslaught has him up in the Human Torture Rack! Weehawk is cursing obscenities at Onslaught, but won’t give up! Onslaught turns it into a back breaker drop! Weehawk is rolling on the mat holding his back! Nomad spins Onslaught around and throws a punch… blocked! Onslaught knocks him down with a tremendous head-butt! Meanwhile, Nightmare and Widowmaker have been brawling back and forth, neither quarter given nor none taken!
ABE: What the HELL did you just say???
SAM: Anyway… they’re on the outside! Widowmaker whips Nightmare toward the ringpost… REVERSED! Widowmaker hits the steel HARD! There is a vicious three-way brawl going on between Nomad, Onslaught, and Weehawk! Weehawk has a tazer! He uses it on Onslaught! The monster falls back into the corner to recover… Nomad climbs up and begins pounding on the big man with punches! The crowd is counting down… 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10! Onslaught stumbles away from the corner… Weehawk knocks him over the top rope with a high kick! Nomad motions Weehawk to bring it on! Nomad kicks him in the gut and Irish whips him… reversed… reversed again and Nomad catches him with a jumping neckbreaker drop! Nightmare hits the Final Nightmare on Widowmaker on the floor, but collapses in exhaustion! Both men are down! Onslaught is slowly recovering and comes back into the ring. Nomad’s locking on the Danger Zone! There’s nowhere for Weehawk to go! The Ref is asking him, he’s asking him…. Onslaught stomps Nomad in the back of the head! Weehawk was saved from near elimination that time!
ABE: GASP! My heart can’t take this!
SAM: Nightmare is back up on the outside and is charging at Widowmaker as he rises… Widowmaker catches him with the cowbell!! Nightmare is down! He’s dragging Nightmare over to the Venezuelan announce table! He’s placing him on the table… and climbing on it after him? What’s he going to do? He’s got both arms hooked…he’s not… TEXAS STEER BOMB THROUGH THE VENEZUELAN ANNOUNCE TABLE!!! Both men are hurt after that, but Widowmaker seems to be SMILING!
ABE: That was BEAUTIFUL…. Wait, they won’t come over here, will they?
SAM: Just do your job! Nomad’s slow getting up… Onslaught is just waiting for him… he has Nomad by the throat… Nomad shakes it off! He tries a drop kick but Onslaught catches him and slams him down! He drags Nomad up to his feet by the throat… He’s giving the signal!!! He’s got Nomad up by the throat… look at the power as he just holds him up there…. DEVASTATOR!!! Nomad isn’t moving! Onslaught comes crashing down across Nomad’s chest with a big splash for the cover… 1…. 2…. And 3. Nomad has been eliminated!!!
Onslaught eliminates Nomad at 15:30 via pinfall
ABE: Yes!!!! That’s one more… OUT OF HERE! Where’s Weehawk?
SAM: He’s digging in his bag. Onslaught is out of breath, the big man has been put through a lot in there. Weehawk’s pulled out a… is that a MACE?! Onslaught is to his feet… Weehawk blasts him with the mace! Onslaught falls to the mat like a tree! Weehawk hooks on a cross arm camel clutch! The Referee checks but Onslaught is knocked out!
ABE: YES! Come on, only two more to go, Weehawk!
Weehawk eliminates Onslaught at 15:56 via submission
SAM: Weehawk drags his bag with him back into a corner and takes a moment to take a breather. Widowmaker has slid Nightmare back into the ring and follows him in. He takes off running for the other side of the ring... Nightmare slowly gets up as Widowmaker bounces off the ropes… Nightmare has no idea what’s about to happen… LARIAT FROM HELL SPINS NIGHTMARE 360 DEGREES! Widowmaker covers…. 1…. 2…. 3!! Nightmare is gone!
Widowmaker eliminates Nightmare at 16:05 via pinfall
SAM: This is it folks! Only two men left! Weehawk and the Widowmaker! Who will win the tag team gold for his partner? They stare at each other from opposite corners, the crowd is chanting and stomping, awaiting the eventual brawl.
ABE: Only one more, Weehawk, just ONE MORE!
SAM: Widowmaker has his bull rope and Weehawk reaches in his bag for something… a hedge trimmer! They rush each other and the fight is on! Widowmaker has the bullrope tied in a noose around Weehawk’s neck and starts choking… Weehawk cuts the rope with the hedge trimmer and frees himself!
ABE: That’s it, COME ON WEEHAWK!
SAM: Weehawk is laughing… bad idea because Widowmaker still has that cow bell… the whole arena heard that bell toll as it bounced off Weehawk’s head! The Sickos are screaming on the outside for Weehawk to get up. Onslaught is on another side slapping the mat and yelling at his partner. Widowmaker drops a fist onto the downed Weehawk. He stays down and repeatedly beats his fist down on Weehawk’s head.
WIDOWMAKER: (stands up and gives the Texas Long Horn symbol) TEXAS!!!
ABE: GET UP WEEHAWK!!!
SAM: The crowd is getting into this match! Weehawk catches Widowmaker unawares with a sweep kick, then follows through with an axe kick to the groin! That HAD to hurt! Widowmaker is rolling on the mat in pain as Weehawk rolls over and grabs his bag. He has a cheese grater! He’s grinding it into the mask of Widowmaker!
ABE: Come on, put him away, Weehawk! Let me cash in my win-ticket!
SAM: Apparently he’s gotten bored with the grater, he’s going back to the bag… a curling iron? What the hell, he’s used everything else. He smacks Widowmaker across the head with it, then stabs it down into his shoulder. Weehawk is brutalizing his way to the tag team belts for Sick & Sexy!
ABE: NIKE’S Sick & Sexy ™, and you bet your @$$ he is! Ha ha!
SAM: Weehawk’s enjoying himself in there now. Good god, how did he fit a vacuum cleaner in that bag?!? He brings it crashing down across the chest of Widowmaker! This has turned into a mugging! He’s rolling the thing across the groin of Widowmaker! What a sadistic maniac he is! As bad as Widowmaker is, I can’t help but feel sorry for him in this situation! Oh, now Weehawk’s ready to fight man to man, how sportsman-like of him. He’s got Widowmaker standing up… vicious high kick knocks him back down! He runs off the ropes and stomps him in the face.
ABE: He’s making him regret helping to put Bane out, that’s for sure!
SAM: Somehow, I think he’d be doing this if he’d never even laid a finger on Bane. Weehawk is just measuring him with knees and kicks now. Widowmaker is on one knee now and Weehawk just kicks him in the face, bending him over backward. He looks out to the other Sickos who clap and cheer for him. He’s got him hooked for a suplex… blocked…. Widowmaker DDT’s him to the mat!
ABE: WHAT HAPPENED?!?
SAM: Both men are down on the mat now! The fans are going wild! They’re going to go home tonight and know they saw one of the wildest matches they’ve ever seen in their lives! Both men get to their feet. Weehawk goes for a sidekick… blocked… Widowmaker floors him with a short arm lariat! He is FUMING, like the bull he’s named after! He drags Weehawk to his feet and starts throwing punches - left, left, left.. and THERE’S the big roundhouse right! He’s giving the signal for the Lariat from Hell! He runs toward the ropes, runs past Weehawk to the other side to gain momentum… BANE PULLS DOWN THE ROPE… Widowmaker goes tumbling to the outside, landing on his head!
ABE: God, I can’t take this! Someone bring me a glass of water! No, make that a scotch!
SAM: The Referee is admonishing Bane now, who plays innocent. Vermin “helps” Widowmaker back into the ring… gee, what a nice guy… Onslaught points toward the other Sickos in warning, but they ignore him. Weehawk is signaling for his finisher!
ABE: This is it! This is it! He’s setting him up for the Last Cup O’Sorrow! Nobody gets up from that! Sick and Sexy are gonna win the belts!
SAM: If he hooks this it’s all over but the shouting… WIDOWMAKER MULE KICKS WEEHAWK!! That’s one way to block that move… he’s got him in a headlock… BULLDOG ONTO WEEHAWK’S BAG! Widowmaker hooks the leg! 1….
ABE: NO! Come on Weehawk, kick out! I’ve got money on you!
SAM: 2…
ABE: Please, God! I’ve been good, really I have!
SAM: … 3!!! Widowmaker wins the match! The Warhounds are the champs and the Sickos are in shock!
Widowmaker eliminates Weehawk at 31:52 via pinfall
RESULT:
Warhounds win in 31:52
NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPS!!
LARRY: Here are your winners… and NEW EFW World Tag Team Champions… THE WARHOUNDS!
(Onslaught grabs the title belts and jumps into the ring, giving Widowmaker his half. They stand in the ring holding the belts high to the mixed cheers and boos from the crowd)
SAM: What a match we’ve just witnessed! The Pantheon has gold once again!
ABE: And I’m out 200 bucks! Dammit!
SAM: Stay tuned for ‘AFTERMATH!!’, folks, this is Sam Michaels speaking for “Odd” Abe saying good night everybody! We’ll see you at MASSACRE!
Copyright EFW 2000