EFW Saturday Night Massacre
The Pond
Anahiem, California
(The Pond is packed to the rafters!! The EFW fans are ready for MASSACRE!!)
JB : "Two titles are on the line tonight!! Hello everyone, this is Jim Biggins alongside Buck Hammerstien! Fans, we have got some blockbuster late-breaking announcements for you tonight."
BH : "We just recieved a note from the President bearing some bad news."
JB : "Apperently, the Unforgiven has decided to continue it's long hiatus and is NOT here at the Pond. This means that Painkiller and the Forsaken are not here to defend their titles. Rather than cancel or delay these matches, the President has made the decision to STRIP both Painkiller and the Forsaken of their titles and put those titles up for grabs in matches between the #1 contenders that were decided last week and some last minute replacements. We have also been told that "Mr. Massacre" Kyle Magnum is in danger of losing the title match at COAL3 if we don't hear from him soon!!"
BH : "Major shakeups at the EFW this week it would seem, Jim."
DOUBLE MAIN EVENT
Nomad vs ???
UNITED STATES TITLE MATCH
-AND-
Scorpion/Paul Savage vs ???/???
TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH
"The Extreme" Condo Warrior vs Destructo
CHAIR MATCH
The Mangler vs "Bullet" Steve Redmon
Best Two out of Three Falls
Kyosuke Imori vs Bane
Exodus vs Humphrey
Exodus vs Humphrey
Exodus was looking for a technical match in the night's opener. And who can blame him? After all, his opponent was about his size. What he got was Humphrey doing his best impersonation of The Amazon! Weehawk was at ringside for the match, shouting words of encouragement when Hump would attack Exodus and cursing when Hump tried to bite his master. The match itself was like a tennis or ping pong match, back and forth every few seconds. Exodus would hit a drop kick, Humphrey would come back with the Piranna Bite. Humphrey with a Piranna Bite, Exodus with a release front suplex. Exodus with DDT, Humphrey with the Piranna Bite. Hump bit Exodus so much he was in danger of his mask simply falling off and was bleeding all over the ring. Humphrey went for a pile driver, but Exodus flipped up and then fell, slamming Hump's head into the canvas!!
It was then that Jade made her appearance. Stalking down the isle with purpose, Jade served to dstract Exodus, who walked over to the ropes to argue with her. Weehawk screamed at Humphrey to get up and attack, and that must have caught Exodus's attention. When Humphrey grabbed Exodus from behind, Exodus quickly switched around, hooked the arms and bought Humphrey crashing over in a DRAGON SUPLEX!!! Humphrey was totally stunned, and the referee was right on top of the count: 1----2----3!!!
RESULT:
Exodus d. Humphrey via Dragon Suplex pinfall at 8:11
Kyosuke Imori vs Bane
Bane came in to this match with his usual cocky attitude, but his arrogant smile was quickly slapped off his face by Kyo! Bane came back with a wild right hook, but Kyo ducked under and took him over in a SNAP MARE! Bane was quickly up but Kyo dropped him again with a DROP TOE HOLD! Bane scrambled to his feet as Kyo backed him up to the ropes and whipped him across the ring. Kyo caught him for a HIP TOSS, but Bane reversed and went for one of his own... but then Kyo reversed that one and tossed Bane right over the top rope to the floor!! Bane tried to recover his wits on the outside while the crowd cheered Kyo in the ring!! Bane took his sweet time and took full advantage of the referee's count, walking around the ring and stalling. Bane eventually jumped back up on the apron and Kyo was right there to meet him. The referee was trying to pull Kyo off to let Bane enter the ring when Bane saw his chance. Dropping to his knees on the apron he PUNCHED Kyo right in the groin!! Kyo was stunned, Bane then KNIFE EDGE CHOPPED him right in the nose!! Kyo fell back to the mat in pain. Bane didn't waste any time, he quickly jumped in the ring and started pounding Kyo with punches to the head. Bane then pulled Kyo off the mat and threw him into the buckle. After removing his right glove and throwing it away, Bane then rocked Kyo backwards with vicious CHOPS that left his chest red! Bane then ran to the opposite corner, struck a pose for his lady fans, and then flipped towards Kyo with a SPACE ROLLING ELBOW... but Kyo caught Bane from behind in mid-leap, spun around and executed a TIGER SUPLEX '85!! The referee counted and Bane somehow kicked out at two!! Kyo made a hammer motion, the BLAZING HAMMER was coming!
Then, Jade once again made an appearance! She began walking down the isle towards the ring with evil intent in her eyes. As she jumped up on the apron, the referee blocked her entrance into the ring.
Bane took advanatge of the referee's distraction as he reached into his shorts and produced a replacement glove for his right hand! The glove was obviously heavily loaded with something. Kyo pulled Bane up and set up for the Blazing Hammer, but Bane elbowed him off and then DECKED him with the loaded right hand!! Kyo fell to the mat, and Bane quickly jumped on him for the cover. Three seconds later Bane was the winner.
RESULT:
Bane d. Imori via pinfall at 6:00
Nomad, Scorpion and Exodus ran down to the ring, but were too late to save Kyo. Nomad and Scorp each hooked one of Jade's arms from behind. They then carried her kicking and screaming to the back, while Exodus taunted her in Japanese, staying just out of kicking range.
The camera cut to the backstage area. "The ICON" Rick Idol is seen stomping Nightmare into the ground!!! Idol is holding a beaten up, broken pike in his right hand. It is duct taped together and barely useable, but Idol takes it and bashes Nightmare over the back and head with it anyway!! Idol gets a murderous look in his eyes... he raises the pike over Nightmare's fallen form!......
When from out of nowhere comes TYRANT!! Tyrant SPEARS Idol into the wall next to him, dropping him and sending the pike flying. Two other men quickly come into the shot... one wears a cape and hood, the other in long leather coats and biker boots. The man in the coat is wearing Crow-esque facepaint and all three stomp the hell out of the world champion!! Security floods the area, but not before Tyrant could land a hard stomp to Nightmare's groin!! Condo and Jade quickly came to Idol's side as Tyrant and friends were escorted from the area.
The Mangler vs "Bullet" Steve Redmon
Redmon was determined not to lose this bout as Mangler was confident from his victory last week. After a very brief feeling out period, Mangler went staight for some Undertaker-inspired brawling, using chops to the throat and kicks to the midsection to knock Redmon around the ring. Mangler pulled Redmon out to the center and DDT'd him to the canvas, a cover got only two. Mangler whipped Redmon into the ropes and caught him on the return with a HIGH SPEED HURRACANRANA, but again Redmon kicked out on two. Mangler was in conrol when he set Redmon for another DDT, but Redmon pushed him to the ropes and caught him coming back with a KITCHEN SINK KNEELIFT!! Mangler bounced up to his feet but ran right into a set of hard jabs to the jaw that knocked him backwards into the corner! The comeback was short lived however as Mangler caught Redmon running in with a boot to the jaw that sent him out towards center ring. Mangler quickly hopped up to the top, and when Redmon turned caught him with a MISSLE DROPKICK!! Mangler stood and gave the sign for his finisher, the CLUTCH OF DEATH!! He waited for Redmon to stand, and then jumped up to apply the frankenstiener... but Redmon grabbed Mangler's legs and stepped back, letting his opponent fall to the mat!! Redmon then quickly turned and locked Mangler into the FIGURE-4 LEGLOCK!!! Redmon was slapping the mat with both hands, trying to add preassure to the hold, and Mangler was screaming in pain!! Mangler made a last ditch effort to turn Redmon over in the hold and reverse it.... but Redmon defeated the attempt by overpowering Mangler's legs, and when Redmon rolled him back over an audible pop was heard!!! Mangler screamed in pain, clutching his knee, and the referee called for the bell!!!
RESULT:
Redmon d. Mangler at 5:12 via Figure-4 Leglock CRITICAL!
A thirty second rest period between falls came next, where the referee tried to make Mangler go back to the locker room and have his knee checked out. Mangler refused, and when the bell rang for the second fall he bravely limped out to meet his opponent. Unfortunately, Mangler's knee simply would not cooperate with his will to win and Redmon turned the second fall into a clinic on how to destroy a man's leg. Hanging kneebreakers were used, Hennig-style jumping kneebreakers were used, Redmon even came off the top and drove a DIVING FIST DROP into Mangler's injured right leg. Redmon seemed to enjoy the control as he wrapped Mangler's leg around the ringpost two or three times. Mangler desperately tried to mount some offense when Redmon came back in the ring, but he couldn't stand long enough to do any real damage. Redmon kicked his opponent's knee out, locked up his arms and MACHINE SUPLEXED him over for the three count.
RESULT:
Redmon d. Mangler at 2:37 via Machine Suplex pinfall
The EFW's head trainer came out to try to help The Mangler to the back, but he violently refused any assistance and made it to the back under his own power.
Destructo vs "The Extreme" Condo Warrior
Chair Match
A chair was waiting in the ring for both men, whoever could grab it got to use it. Both men ran for the ring at the same time, but being smaller Condo got there first, and he was pissed! Condo snatched the chair off the ground and POUNDED Destructo over the back as he rolled in the ring!! Destructo was not fazed by the attack, so Condo tossed the chair in the air and SUPERKICKED it into Destructo's head, sending him to the canvas!! The chair already had a huge dent in the seat when Condo threaded Destructo's arm through it and repeatedly STOMPED the chair, damaging the big man's arm!! Destructo got to his feet and Condo slammed the chair into his right shoulder, further damaging it. Enraged, Destructo roared out and LARIATED Condo, sending the chair flying and Condo to the mat!! Destructo was beginning to favor his right arm as he stomped his smaller opponent into the mat. Destructo pulled Condo up to his feet by the back of his tights, then lifted and STANDING POWERSLAMMED him to the mat with thunderous force!! Condo was hurting and rolled to the outside near the corner. Destructo walked over to pursue, but Condo reached in the ring and TRIPPED him by grabbing his foot!! Condo then tried to crotch Destructo on the pole, but he was too weak to move him!! Jade came over and grabbed a leg and eventually the two managed to pull Destructo enough to crotch him on the pole. Condo then grabbed Destructo's left arm and SNAPPED it downward on the ring apron!! Destructo rolled to the outside and Condo quickly slid inside. Destructo stood up on the apron and grabbed Condo, but Jade was right there to land a LOW BLOW from behind on Destructo!!! As Destructo cringed, Condo managed the biggest feat of strength he's ever pulled off: reaching back, he pulled the much larger man onto his shoulder and TOMBSTONED him into the ring!!! Even the Destructo fans were impressed. Condo seemed spent, but managed to slide the chair over Destructo's head and STOMP it, damaging the neck even further!! Condo, sensing victory was close, jumped on Destructo's back and locked on the UNCLE CONDO 2!!! Both the arms were hooked, and were too damaged for Destructo to break free!! The big man was kicking and fighting to break free... and he was close enough to the ropes to get a foot on the bottom one!! The referee made Condo break the hold. Condo was tired, but he grabbed the chair and mounted the top turnbuckle to deliver the killing blow. Destructo slowly made it to his feet, Condo jumped... but Destructo caught him by the throat!! Condo dropped the chair, and Destructo lifted him up like a sack of potatoes and CHOKE SLAMMED him down on the chair!!! Destructo went down to one knee, grabbed the chair and bellowed at Condo to stand. When he finally did, Destructo slammed the chair down on his head so hard the seat of the chair popped up three or four feet into the air!!! Condo was out on his feet. Destructo grabbed him into the Iron Maiden, but Condo was too out of it to even tap. The referee called for the bell shortly thereafter.
RESULT:
Destructo d. Condo via Iron Maiden submission at 13:27
(Note: extremely close, Condo would've had it with the UC2 had it not been in the ropes)
DOUBLE MAIN EVENT PART 1
Scorpion/Paul Savage vs ????
RING ANNOUNCER : "Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the first half of tonight's DOUBLE MAIN EVENT!"
(Scorpion makes his entrance, basically carrying Savage. Savage is still heavily bandaged and taped from the assault last week. When Scorpion hits the ring he calls for a mic)
Scorpion : "I said it once, I'm saying it now. I'll win the belts by myself if I have to. Paul, take a seat on the apron, and Walters, send out whoever you found to face us."
(A minute later, "Funk of the Irish" starts up and out of the entrance dances WILLIE O'GRADY, carrying both tag team belts. When he hits the ring, he takes the mic from Scorpion)
O'Grady : "Whoa, laddy!! I told you all before, I'M the tag team champion! You think one and a half men can beat the Irish Dancing Machine? That's a real joke! In fact, if you two midgets DO manage to win, I'll pack up and go back to Ireland forever!! How's that?"
(As the bell was about to ring, the famed Maxwell Potterdam III briskly walked down the isle to the ring. He obviously had something to say, and O'Grady handed him the mic)
Potterdam : "Hold on, all of you, this concerns you and every other tag team in the EFW. You all know who I am, so I'll cut right to the chase: using my global connections, I have acquired the contracts of the greatest tag team to ever be put together in wrestling history! So you two teams can fight for this belt tonight, but in a very short while those belts are coming back to Potterdam Industries Incorporated. But I'm jumping ahead of myself - FIRST I would like to announce that my new team is issuing a challenge to ANY two men to step in the ring with them at Chance of a Lifetime 3. So ANYBODY, if you've got the GUTS, step through the Gates of Hell at Chance of a Lifetime and face the wrath... of THE WARHOUNDS!! Now you can get on with your... "match"..."
O'Grady started out strong against Scorpion, powering him back into the corner and pounding him in the chest with clubbing forearms!! Scorpion switched around, put O'Grady in the corner and rocked him with stiff punches to the face!! Scorpion tried to whip O'Grady across the ring, but O'Grady reversed the move and LEVELED Scorpion with the O'GRADY BACKFLIP!!! Instead of going for the pin, O'Grady took the chance to dance around Scorpion's fallen body. Savage stuggled to pull himself up, and reaching in the ring, he TAGGED Scorpion!! Beaten and brutalized, Savage tried to get in the ring but O'Grady just pounded him to the mat. Scorpion was beginning to recover his senses, but Savage was clearly in no condition to wrestle. O'Grady pulled him from the mat and patted his arm, signalling for the O'Grady Backflip!! O'Grady whipped Savage in, but with a short cry of pain Savage reversed the move and sent O'Grady across the ring. Scorpion took the chance and sprung: he caught O'Grady on the return and lifted him up by the waist. Savage sprung into action and caught O'Grady with his DIAMOND CUTTER finisher from that position, the two men executing a version of the 3D!!! The fans exploded!! Savage rolled on top of O'Grady, and the
referee counted 1---2---3!!!!
Scorpion/Paul Savage d. O'Grady at 2:26
NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPS!!
The referee handed the winners their belts. Scorpion called for a stretcher for Savage, who clutched the belt to his chest. Scorpion walked beside the stretcher carrying his belt as Savage was once again rolled out of the arena.
DOUBLE MAIN EVENT PART 2
Nomad vs ????
RING ANNOUNCER : "Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the second half of tonight's DOUBLE MAIN EVENT!"
("Highway to the Danger Zone" brings out the people's champ, Nomad! He hits the ring calls for a mic)
Nomad : "First the president tells the Nomad that he has to get by Onslaught to get a shot at the US title. And when the Nomad spends all week preparing to wrestle Painkiller and the jabronie doesn't even show up. They should be awarding the belt to the Nomad by default, but oh no! They say they are finding a replacement, and they won't even tell the Nomad who it is. Now, the Nomad would like to ask Buck Hammerstien to come up in the ring."
(The commentators are shown. Buck shrugs and puts his headset down, then climbs in the ring)
Nomad : "How are you, Buck?"
BH : "Um, I'm fine."
Nomad : "Got a comfortable chair down there?"
BH : "er.. yeah."
Nomad : "Well Buck, you're in pretty tight with the office. I was thinking maybe you knew who the Nomad's opponent is going to be tonight."
BH : "Well----"
Nomad : "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO IT IS!!!"
Mr. Wiggles : "Nomad, Nomad, Nomad...."
(The crowd boos as Buck leaves the ring and Mr. Wiggles comes walking out of the entryway, his 20 midgets in tow, and holding a mic and chewing a cigar)
Mr. Wiggles : "You really are stupid, ain't ya? Sure, it's stupid to come out here and act like some f*ggot who works for the WWF. But talking s*it about a seven foot tall clown and his gang of midgets is suicidal. I'm gonna put this cigar out in your eye!"
Wiggles entered the ring and started punching away at Nomad, who fired right back!! The bell rang and signaled the start of the match. Wiggles pounded Nomad back to the ropes, then whipped him across. Nomad came back and slid underneath a a Wiggles lariat. When Wiggles turned, Nomad pasted him with right hands that rocked him back to the ropes. Nomad reared back for a huge haymaker, but it left Wiggles open to sneak in a head butt that floored his smaller opponent! Wiggles then put the boots to Nomad hard, and after hauling him up dropped him across his knee with a BACKBREAKER!! Wiggles took a moment to taunt Nomad, then pulled him over to the corner. Wiggles pulled Nomad up and sat him down on the top turnbuckle. Wiggles climbed up to set for a SUPERPLEX, but Nomad KICKED forward and hit him right in the groin!! Wiggles fell backward onto the mat.
Then from the dressing room came "The Extreme" Condo Warrior, toting a chair!! Nomad climbed up the buckles to his feet, and after pointing to the sky came off with a huge ELBOW DROP!!! Condo hit the ring, but before he could hit Nomad with the chair he was caught and slammed to the mat with a SPINEBUSTER!!! Standing above Condo, Nomad pulled off his right elbow pad and tossed it into the crowd. After hitting both ropes, Nomad dropped THE NOMAD'S ELBOW on Condo!! The crowd went berserk!!! Mr. Wiggles slowly stood up and approached Nomad. Wiggles threw a groggy clothesline, and Nomad ducked it, jumping up and wrapping on THE DANGER ZONE from behind!!! Wiggles was dead center ring, and was trying to escape..... but it was no use!! A few seconds later, he TAPPED OUT!!!
Nomad d. Wiggles at 3:11
NEW US CHAMP!!
Nomad stood up to take the belt, but Condo immediately SLAMMED him in the back with the steel chair!! Condo then bashed the chair over Nomad's head, sending him hard to the mat. Wiggles and his midgets then joined in the beating until security could rush in and force everyone but Nomad out of the ring. Nomad climbed the turnbuckles and held the US title high!!
JB : "Finally the belt has come back to Nomad!!"
BH : "Oh god, not you too..."
JB : "What?"
BH : "Think about what you just said."
JB : "In any case, Nomad is the US champion!!! See you at Chance of a Lifetime III!!!!"
Copyright EFW 2000