EFW Friday Night Massacre
Georgia Dome
Atlanta, Georgia
(The shot fades in to show the inside of the Georgia Dome, jammed with EFW fans as the pyro goes off and EFW Massacre hits the airwaves!)
JB : "Welcome to the Georgia Dome, fans, and welcomd to EFW Friday Night Massacre! I'm Jim Biggins and here with me usually is Buck Hammerstien! But tonight, Buck was called into the ring for an interview with tuesday's 'problem solver'. Let's run down the card before we get to the show, and what a card it is! ALL THREE titles are on the line tonight, and seeing who's involved in the matches, I'd say we're GUARENTEED to see a title change tonight!"
MAIN EVENT
Destructo vs Warpath vs Marty the Mauler
Three Way Dance for the World Title
Nomad (c) vs Corruption
United States Title Match
Xtreme Gangsta (c) vs The 'Extreme' Condo Warrior
Cruiserweight Title Match
The Bomber vs Shadow
Sweet Daddy vs Apocalypse
(Buck Hammerstien is in the ring, waiting for something. Without warning, the problem solver once again hops the guardrail and enters the ring)
BH : "Sir, why have you requested this interview time? And why did you specifically request me to do the interview?"
Man : "Mr. Hammerstien, I requested you for reasons I will reveal later. As for the interview itself, I wanted this chance to talk to the fans and wrestlers about choices."
BH : "Choices? What do you mean?"
Man : "It's really quite simple, Mr. Hammerstien. You see, everything in life revolves around the choices we make. Everything we do, every action we take has a consequence. Every choice we make will have an effect on the rest of our life, from what we eat for breakfast every morning to what we do for a living. Some things are so trivial we hardly notice, like sleeping on our side at night gives us back problems in the morning. Some things are complicated, like deciding wether or not to run a red light. Some things seem trivial, but in reality are life changing moments."
(The man points to the big screen. A montage of scenes is shown of the news reports you have seen over the last few weeks, such as the judge being murdered)
Man : "In this reality, it is possible to make a decision that seems good at the time you make it....."
(The screen shows deceased EFW VP Adam Walters giving his speech that fired the Sickos on Parade)
Man : ".... but it ends up being the worst mistake you ever made."
(The screen shows a tombstone. Engraved on it are the words 'In loving memory...' right above the name Adam Walters)
Man : "The point is, Mr. Hammerstien, that we are ALL responsible for the actions we take. Eat spicy food and get indegestion. Spit in the wind and get a wet face...."
(The screen shows a wall of drawers in a morgue)
Man : "Become a problem.... and you get solved. Now, I would be a fool if I stood up here and told you that I did my job alone. When I realized the scope of my job, I knew I would need help. So I went to my generous employers and they assigned two of their top men to help me. I'm going
to bring them out now."
(The spotlight shines on the entrance. Two men in black business suits come through the curtain
and make their way to the ring. Both are around 5'8, 5'9 and have shoulder length black hair. They look similar, as if brothers. They climb the ring steps and take positions behind the problem solver)
Man : "These two men are responisble for more deaths than I care to count. They are long past caring who, how, or where they kill, they just ask for a target and go for it. The man on the left is new to you. He will be entering your EFW cruiserweight division. The man on the right is no stranger to the EFW, in fact, I'm suprised you don't recognize him."
BH : "What? Um.... I don't think I've ever seen him before."
Man : "Really?... wait, maybe it's because he's missing this."
(The problem solver opens his briefcase. The man on the right reaches in, grabs a white HOCKEY MASK and puts it on. You instantly recognize him!)
Weehawk : "Miss me, Bucky?!"
(Buck is staggared. The fans go berserk)
Weehawk : "I've come back here to settle a blood score. There's not going to be any more silliness. No more games. No more crap. I brought my brother here to teach you people the meaning of evil."
Problem Solver : "Yes, this is Weehawk, formerly of the Sickos on Parade, and his brother Diablo. They will be entering the cruiserweight division very soon. As for myself, I am going to re-take my place in the heavyweight division."
Buck : "Re-take? What do you mean?"
PS : "Mr. Hammerstien.... I'm shocked. You mean after all this you STILL don't know who I am?"
Buck : "No, I don't... wait... oh god..."
(The problem solver reaches into the briefcase and removes a blue and green Jushin Lyger mask. He puts it on)
Hannibal Lecter : "Remember me NOW, BROTHER?!"
(Buck drops the mic and screams bloody murder. The fans go nuts! Hannibal reaches down and grabs it off the ground, removing the mask in the process)
HH : "Buck, calm down, calm down."
(Buck seems to come to his senses)
HH : "Remember what Weehawk just said? We're here on serious business. No more silly stuff. I won't be stalking you anymore."
BH : "...... really?"
HH : "Really, I won't. I'm going to get right to the point."
(HH hands the mic to Weehawk. He grabs Buck in a front guillotine choke and jerks upwards, snapping his neck audibly. He then drops Buck's limp, twitching body to the ground and takes the mic back)
HH : "Like the man said, no more games. We're here for vengence, plain and simple. The body count starts with Buck. Don't say we didn't warn you."
(Hannibal, Weehawk and Diablo all exit the ring. EMT's rush down the isle. HH and Weehawk let them pass, but Diablo can't resist reaching out and tripping one of them)
JB : "My god... those animals! Those god&*&@ animals!! Someone help him!!"
(The EMT's make it to the ring just in time to save Buck's life. They strap him to a backboard and carry him to a waiting ambulance. On the way out, Buck is hit in the head with an open can of Coors Light, causing him to moan in pain)
JB : "ARREST THAT A*&HOLE!! Get him!! That one, in the Sickos shirt, 5th row!!"
(Security drags the offending fan out of the arena just before the next match is slated to begin)
The Bomber vs Shadow
This match was a fantastic display of technical, martial arts, and lucha. It was full throttle from bell to bell with neither man showing any signs of tiring. Highlights included a top rope frankenstiener for Shadow and a running corkscrew plancha for the Bomber. There were a series of near falls close to the end that electrified the crowd. Bomber went for a power bomb, which Shadow rolled over the top and behind, pulling Bomber down, but Bomber rolled through that and tried for a Jacknife hold. Shadow was paying attention though and bringed out of it, rolling over with Bomber and slipping him into a backslide for a close 2 count! With the crowd on it's feet, the end came when Shadow lay prone and The Bomber climbed the ropes for his B-52 (a cannonball off the top rope.) Shadow jumped to his feet and attempted a superplex off the top. He connected with the plex, but The Bomber reacted by rolling backward, locking both legs around one of Shadow's and pulling Shadow into a make-shift small package for the 3 count!!!
RESULT:
The Bomber d. Shadow via pinfall at 6:13
Sweet Daddy vs Apocalypse
JB : "Fans, we've been asked to note that Sweet Daddy is no longer the HWA champion. Apparently, HWA member and EFW superstar Warpath is the NEW HWA champion. We don't have any video of the match where the title changed hands. Marty the Mauler has sequestered the tapes for his 'own personal editing'. Sounds to me like they cheated, but what do I know?"
The crowd was excited from the last match, and this one would certainly not let them down. The second of the two undercard matches pitted the Ex-HWA champion Sweet Daddy against VA member Apocalypse. Sweet Daddy would try to match AP speed for speed early on, but quickly gave up on that idea as AP was running circles around him. SD, sick of being hit with mexican arm drags and drop kicks, finally got mad and slammed AP with a lariat that almost broke his neck. AO got up off the mat holding his neck, and SD immediatly went for the weakness. He landed a swinging neckbreaker before sitting AP on the top turnbuckle and hitting a Hangman's Neckbreaker. Ap would rally and try for a DDT, but SD reversed it into his Daddy-Plex and got the three count.
RESULT:
Sweet Daddy d. Apocalypse via Daddy-Plex at 5:34
(The camera shows Cletus, the hillbilly friend of Buck Hammerstien's, wandering through the crowd. A close camera manages to catch a better look at him. He's walking up to random people and sticking a dirty, old sock in their faces. Most people just push him out of the way)
Xtreme Gangsta vs. The 'Extreme' Condo Warrior
Cruiserweight Title Match
(Condo Warrior hits the ring first, running off at the mouth about how great he is. He asks for a mic)
CW : "Alright, I ain't got all night, so get that glorified jobber out here so I can UNIFY the Cruiserweight titles! I'm a busy man, I've-"
(He is cut off by Xtreme Gangsta's theme, Natural Born Killaz. Gangsta comes through the curtain with a snarl on his face and a bardbed wire bat in his hands)
As soon as Gangsta hit the ring, the ref rung the bell. Condo begged off as Gangsta threatend him with the bat. Gangsta pulled the bat back to smash Condo, but the referee grabbed it by the handle and wouldn't let Gangsta swing it! Condo took his chance and kicked Gangsta straight in the groin! The match would favor Condo for several minutes. After pulling off every offensive move, Condo would flex, or dance, or point at Gangsta and laugh. After landing a nasty DDT, Condo pointed to Gangsta's boot and said it was untied. As the referee checked, Condo motioned to the back, and Joe Bronie came through the curtain. Bronie casually strolled to ringside as Condo grabbed Gangsta from the mat. Condo began working Gangsta over with punches as Bronie non-chelantly grabbed a steel folding chair from ringside. He nodded to Condo. Condo draped Gangsta over the bottom rope, then grabbed the referee and held him, complaing about something. Joe walked over and SMASHED Gangsta over the head with the chair. Bronie turned around, celebrating, but he didn't notice he opened a cut on Gangsta's head. Gangsta came to life almost immediatly! The chair shot must have triggered something in Gangsta, and he went wild on Condo! Condo was taken completley off-guard by Gangsta's new offense, expecting him to be near unconcious. Gangsta whipped Condo into the buckle, and followed it with a running dropkick! He dropped on the down Warrior and began laying in jackhammer-like punches. Condo tried to scramble for the ropes, but Gangsta grabbed his foot! He whipped Condo to the ropes and landed a stiff STANDING SIDE KICK to Condo's jaw when he came back! Condo flew into the corner, face down. Gangsta screamed to the crowd, he was pumped! Condo, though, was reaching into his trunks for his famous brass knuckles. When Gangsta came close, he turned and poped Gangsta right between the eyes with the knuckles! Gangsta, though, was unfazed! Used to illegal weapon shots, Gangsta grabbed the stunned Condo Warrior and set him for the Xtreme Reality!! He got Condo up... but Condo slipped out and applied the STONE COLD KILLER, his version of the Ace Crusher! With Gangsta down, Condo immeditaly applied the UNCLE CONDO!! Gangsta refused to submit, and spit on the referee for asking. The match turned boring at this point, because Condo wouldn't release the hold and Gangsta wouldn't submit. From the 5:12 mark all the way to the 6:00 mark, Condo held the Uncle Condo on Xtreme Gangsta. Gangsta slowly blacked out. The referee saw that Gangsta wasn't moving and stopped the bout, awarding the victory and the belt to the CONDO WARRIOR!!
RESULT:
The 'Extreme' Condo Warrior d. Xtreme Gangsta via stoppage at 6:04 (Uncle Condo)
NEW CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPION!
(Condo released the hold, exausted, but when the referee handed him his new belt, he was rejuvinated! He stood up, to the jeers of the crowd, and started taunting Gangsta. Joe Bronie entered the ring, and Condo grabbed a mic)
CW : "HAHAHAHAH! You piece of garbage! How dare you call yourself 'Xtreme Gangsta'? You're worthless! You spineless wimp! I've passed things bigger than you out my-"
(Condo is cut off by 'Highway to the Danger Zone' and the fans go nuts! NOMAD comes running through the curtain with a chair in his hands! He slides into the ring while Condo and Joe Bronie make a hasty exit. Nomad grabs the dropped mic as Gangsta is starting to come around)
Nomad : "You didn't think I'd let you stand here and taunt him, did you? Condo, you're the luckiest champion this fed has ever seen, but don't think you're gonna get out of this without a beating. Bring your deranged friend to the next show and face the two of us in a tag match. The odds will be even then!"
(Condo laughs Nomad off and heads for the back, a belt over each shoulder)
Nomad : "The challenge stands, punk!"
Gangsta : "Show up if you got the balls!"
Nomad (c) vs. Corruption
United States Title Match
This would become another in a long line of classic battles between these two, but it didn't start out that way. Nomad had slimmed down considerably to become a cruiserweight and the difference showed in the opening minutes as Corruption's power attack kept him to almost no offense. Corruption kept the pace slow, and used his weight to his advantage with holds that leaned on Nomad, draining his strength. Nomad would finally catch a break when Corruption broke from his game plan and mounted the second buckle for a leg drop. Nomad jumped up, ran to the corner and DDT'D Corruption to the mat from thw second buckle! With Corruption finally down, Nomad was able to regain his wind and from then on took it straight to the challenger, not letting him retake the advantage. The match would end quickly, as Corruption reversed a whip to the ropes, sending Nomad in. Nomad came back and ducked a lariat from Corruption, and when Corruption turned around, somehow Nomad found the strength to MICHINOKU DRIVER the huge man! Stunned, Corruption went down for the 3 count.
RESULT:
Nomad d. Corruption via pinfall at 5:12
JB : "Well, we've got the ring clear, and I'm being told by the guys in the back that... that hick Cletus has something he wants to say to everyone. I guess we should honor Buck's wishes and let him speak."
(Cletus is helped over the guardrail by security and gets in the ring. He is temporarily stunned by the amount of people staring at him, but then he starts to speak. The ring announcer, realizing Cletus doesn't have a mic, rushes and hands him one. The crowd gets a good laugh out of it all)
Cletus : "Uhh.... hey there everybody. I been goin' round tonight tryin' to see if any of yall could help me find Eli... I wuz usin' this old sock of his to see if anywun knew his smell..."
(Cletus holds up a dirty old sock with holes in it)
Cletus : "...but it didn't work. Eli, if yur lisnin', please come home! Pa misses you! Please!"
(The crowd is getting a big laugh out of all of this. Only the Sickos fans are booing)
Cletus : "... alright... since you won't lissin' to me, I'm gonna hafta go for plan B... hang on one second..."
(Cletus exits the ring and goes into the dressing room area. He returns with a man you could only assume is Cousin Freddie-Joe..... and a sheep you KNOW is Loretta. The crowd goes wild laughing as Cletus and Freddie-Joe lead Loretta down the isle to the ring)
Cletus : "Eli... I didn't wanna do this... but I asked Cousin Freddie-Joe to bring yer sweetheart Loretta to see if it'll make ya come home! Loretta misses you, Eli! Ain't that so, Loretta?"
(Cletus holds the mic down near Loretta's mouth)
Loretta : "Baaaa!"
(By this time the crowd is laughing it's collective ass off. EFW officials come in the ring and gently persuade Cletus to leave. The camera zooms in on a sign that says 'Loretta 3:16')
JB : "Well, that was... interesting. I guess we're ready for the main event now."
MAIN EVENT
Destructo (c) vs Warpath vs Marty the Mauler
World Title Match
RING ANNOUNCER : "Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for tonight's MAIN EVENT!"
(Marty and Warpath make their entrance together, which plainly showed their intentions for the match. They seemed to have a plan worked out in advance. Warpath was annouced as the HWA Champion, and he had a brand-new belt to prove it)
(Destructo is introduced to more boos than Marty and Warpath, which is saying a lot. He spits on the ground in disgust, knowing what he has to face, and then rushes the ring!)
(Editor's Note : No play by play for this week, because Buck is.... well, indisposed. :-)
Marty and Warpath immediatly jumped on Destructo and beat him to the mat. As you would expect, Destructo would be on the recieving end for most of this match. Double-team tactis were plenty and double team manuvers were in full force. Everything from double suplexes, double powerbombs and even a double crucifix knee hold was used against Destructo. Destructo would begin a comeback around the 4 minute mark when a miscue by Warpath left Marty wide open for a vicious POWERSLAM from the champion, but Warpath quickly recovered and Destructo was down once again. Warpath and Marty hit a spike piledriver, but only got a 2 count. They hit a version of the Headbanger's Stage Dive, the powerbomb+top rope leg drop combo, but still only got a 2 count. The frustration was starting to build for the two challengers. Marty gave the sign for the finish and grabbed Destructo from behind. Warpath set up for his Labotomy Kick... and you'd think the result here would be predictable, right? Wrong. Warpath executes the Kick, Destructo ducks!... but the kick MISSED Marty! Marty was watching for it! However, while on his knees Destructo leveled a monsterous UPPERCUT right into Warpath's groin! Warpath fell to the mat and Destructo stood up. Marty swung hard, but again Destructo ducked, only this time he grabbed Marty in the IRON MAIDEN on the way back up!! Marty hung in a few second, but then submitted!
RESULT:
Destructo d. Marty via submission at 5:56
Marty left the ring, but not the ringside area. Destructo immediatly jumped on the downed Warpath and began laying vicious shots into his head. Warpath is no slouch though and when the effects of the groin shot wore off he began to fight back. The damage had already been done, though, as when the action spilled to the outside of the ring Destructo would repeatedly ram Warpath's back into the steel ringpost. Giving a parting snarl to the Mauler Destructo tossed WP back in the ring. WP, though, seemed fired up now, and somehow managed to snap off another Labotomy Kick at the champion! The champion, though, grabbed WP's leg and leveled him with ANOTHER hit in the groin! Warpath fell to the mat, and Destructo was able to get the three count over him to retain the title!
RESULT:
Destructo d. Warpath via pinfall at 6:54
RING ANNOUNCER : "Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner and still champion.... DESTRUCTO!!!!"
But the action didn't stop there. Marty jumped in the ring and began to brawl with Destructo. Then, from out of nowhere, The Condo Warrior, Joe Bronie and Rick Idol of the PANTHEON came charging down the ramp, weapons in hand! The three of them hit the ring swinging, and they knocked Marty down and begun to work on Destructo. Warpath was coming to his senses and seeing what was happening, he began to HELP Destructo fight the three Pantheon members off!
But no one was paying attention to the entrace. Out walked the 7' frame of ONSLAUGHT! He stalked down to the ring, and stepped over the top rope behind Warpath and Destructo! Condo began to laugh, and pointed behind them. Destructo and Warpath turned, and were met with a hand to the throat each! In an amazing display of power, Onslaught then executed a DOUBLE CHOKELSAM on the two men! All three participants in the main event lay in the ring at the feet of the Pantheon. Condo seemed to be directing traffic as Joe Bronie picked the prone Destructo up off the mat. The Vicious Alliance woulnd't stand for any more, though, and they came through the entranceway and ran for the ring! Rick Idol and Onalught managed to keep them from entering the ring while Condo mounted the buckle. Bronie set the champion, Condo jumped... and they executed a SPIKE COLD SNAP on the champion! Condo, Bronie, Rick Idol and Onslaught would then try to exit through the crowd...
But they were met by Nomad, with the Vigilantes in tow, and Xtreme Gangsta! The fight was on in the fans!!
JB : "Fans, there's bodies everywhere here! People are flying, the fans are screaming, and we're OUT OF TIME!! NO! STAY WITH THIS!! DON'T CUT US OFF!!"
Copyright EFW 1998.